My Uninteresting Life

A Day Off

2011-07-09T16:12:00.004-04:00

Wow I am not sure just what I am going to do tomorrow. I actually do not have to drive. My load does not deliver until Monday afternoon and so I can sit about 1/2 the day today and all day tomorrow and I will take off early on Monday morning so I can make my delivery appt.

I do know that I will be doing my laundry. I will take a shower. I will also be working on an afghan I have going. Read a book...do a review. Take a nap or two. Watching a few movies...anything to fill my day up.

So the rest of my day today...it is all mine!

Scare of the Week

2011-07-06T22:00:00.004-04:00

So I tried to log into my blog last week...had a lot happen and needed to put much of it down so that I could try and sleep. Only to find that my blog had been "deleted" for lack of use of my gmail since 2007...Ummmmm something weird going on there. Specially since I blog every couple of months at least.

Anyway...My maternal grandfather passed away last Wednesday May 29, 2011. It is going to be hard on all of us...most especially for my mother. She is now home alone. Not something she has really had to do for any extent of time in who knows how many years. I wish that I could be there more but if I am not on the road working then there will be no income coming in to help her keep her home. And I do what to try and help her do so.

My daughter is pregnant...about 10 weeks along now. She is just over 19 and I am having mixed feelings about it. In some ways I am excited about the prospect of a grandchild...even if I am only 38. Don't feel old enough for grandchildren yet (LMAO). But I am also worried about her being so young. I remember how hard it was for me to have her at her age. She is back living with my sister and brother-in-law. This is a mixed blessing. She is closer than in Tampa...will be looked after so much better than her father would ever do...but she is still so far away. And still insisting she is all grown up and all the fun that goes with that. I just keep praying that she does not do anything more stupid...

OK sleep is about to claim me...since I woke up at 2am and it is now 9pm I do believe it is now bedtime.

Choices, Choices, Choices

2011-01-29T19:26:00.001-05:00

COPIED FROM FLIRTY AUTHOR BITCHES

Now that is what I call good timing…I was sitting yesterday thinking about how the choices we make in life effect so much and so many people and today is my day to blog here.

Choices…the choices we make so effect everything around us. The choice of to write or not to write, to marry young, to raise a child alone, to end an engagement, to move far away from everyone you know, to end a relationship that has lasted many years…

I list these things cause they are all choices that have effected me and my family. I married young and ended up trying my best to raise first a daughter and then an unplanned son by myself. My family tried to help but in many ways their help ended up being more of a hindrance than any true help to me. The choices I made when my daughter was small came back to bite me in the ass big time years later, cause in the end it made worse the down hill slide that led to me not being allowed to raise my children even though that is the only thing in this world I ever wanted to do. I married again to have a friend and helpmate with my children and ended up in a worse situation than I was in before.

For my daughter who is now 18 almost 19 it was the choice to end an engagement that she had been having second thoughts about for a few months. She was dating a gentleman (and I use that term loosely here) that was 10 years older than she is and in the military. While at times he was very good to her…most of the time he was trying to force her into a box that she does not fit in. My lovely daughter has mental health issues…she is bi-polar, ADHD and suffers from PTSD due to the things that happened in her childhood. Now he was told all of these things. Yet he still insisted that she change everything about herself to fit who he wanted for a wife. When she decided she had had enough of his mind games, she was verbally attacked (ok it was on facebook) by his sister or her husband about growing up and that she was mooching off of James because she was living there and not working. Now James wanted her there…he kept bringing her back up there to be with him. Seems hard to believe that it was all one sided. But then what do I know…I am just a dumb blond truck driver…

Since I now have my daughter back…for how long I do not know…we will need to find an apartment for us. Because I drive 18 wheeler that means I can live just about anywhere I want. The problem is I do not really know where I want to live. But I think that I have come to a decision. The company I work for is based out of Murray, KY so I am thinking that to help me keep my resolve to KEEP this job instead of looking for another one, I will move to Murray KY, (LMAO) Sounds like a good plan to me. I have to live somewhere, and if I live in Jacksonville FL where my mother lives and I have stayed off and on for the last 8 years I am just going to end up back at my mothers house at some point and that will not help matters any. So a decision to move hundreds of miles away from what I know is a hard decision but it is one that I have recently made.

My daughter is having to make a few hard decisions of her own. She is seeing someone that I do not particularly care for…this has many reasons but the most obvious to me is that he has not held down a full time job in over 3 years at least to the best of my knowledge. I know this because I worked with him almost 3 summers ago at the carnival I worked for most of 7 years myself. That is where he met my daughter. At the time she was 16 and he refused to stay away from her. Nothing physical happened between them but that is not the point, he could not accept the fact that she was still a minor and he should not be trying to date her until after she turned 18. Now he wants her to move to Rhode Island where he intends to rent space from a couple for them to live in…hello what if something happens?????? Then she is stuck 1/2 way across the country with no family to be there for her. She is still only 18 but she will be 19 in March…but still…this is my daughter. The daughter that was taken from me for so long. The daughter I want to have a better life than I had. The daughter I want to help graduate from high school and get a degree of some kind or at least find a career path that she enjoys before she is gone from me forever.

Choices…I made the choice before to allow her to follow her “heart” and go to Virginia and that went wrong. I want to allow her the right to do what she wishes and see if things will work out with Dan but I also want to give her some kind of safety net in case it does not work out. I know this guy and he is still extremely juvenile and I feel that after a while it will get on Claire’s nerves and she will find that she cannot handle having him around all the time. I do not want to have to drive from Kentucky (or where ever I happen to be) to Rhode Island to come to her rescue…which I will do because I am her mother, and I love her with all of my heart. She is my first born child and the only one of my kids that I have any contact with at the present moment. God help me I want to help her make the right choices without her feeling that I am trying to force her into a box she does not fit into. I am afraid she is rushing things because she is so desperate for love and stability.

It seems that everyone is telling her to take time and do not rush anything…hello since when did telling a teenager anything get them to do what we (as adults) wanted them to do???? From my memory the more my parents and other adults told me to do one thing the more determined I was to do what I wanted to do anyway just to prove to everyone that I could. And I know how well that worked out for me. How do I as a parent go about herding her in the right direction…it seems that I am going to resort to blackmail. I have told her that if she moves to Rhode Island then she will be responsible for her student payments towards her high school diploma along with the course she chose to take even though she did not have a job to pay for it. She will also have to pay her own cell phone bill. That made her think twice about it all. I did give on one area (see I have learned from what my parents did to me) even though I do not want to allow it, I will allow Dan to come live with us and for them to share a room. This thought makes me cringe badly, but it is that or try and force the issue and she will do just what she wants consequences be damned.

The last thing I mentioned was ending a long relationship. This is effecting my family at the moment. My middle sister has decided after 9 years with her husband part of them dating/living together and part of them married, that she wants out. Now she has a son that is 15 almost 16 (and mildly autistic) and his step-father is the only father he has ever known. Now he is going to lose the close contact he has come to count on. They also have a son together. My littlest nephew is almost 4 and seriously autistic. My brother-in-law has been his sole caretaker since he was about 6 months old and they discovered that he was disabled. She is willing to basically throw her baby away cause “she cannot handle him” This makes me want to scream bloody murder. I would give almost anything to have my children and she is going to allow hers to walk away. I cannot even talk to her because she has decided that I am scum and I am no longer her sister…another choice. All because she does not like the choices I have made. Choices I live with each and every day.

As you sit at your computer reading and chatting with people online, remember that if there are people in the other room of your home that those people are very important also. At time I have found that we as a society have gotten lost in cyber space at the detriment of those we love. Make a choice today to spend quality time with your significant other and with children that are still willing to spend at least a few minutes with the parents that are quickly becoming insignificant to them. You never know when the choice to be with the ones you love will be taken away from you.

On the Road Again

2010-09-04T14:46:00.002-04:00

Yes I am back driving rig...go figure. It must have something to do with the fact that I like doing it. My daughter just spent the last 5 weeks out with me, which was interesting to say the least. It was both good and bad to have her out with me. Now I am alone again and in so many ways I wish I was not. I am so tired of being alone all the time. I wish someone was here to spend time with me. Not really sure what to say at this point. So I am going to stop right here.

What The Hell

2010-07-03T22:46:00.003-04:00

So it has, yet again, been too long since I blogged on here about anything. Life changes in so many ways I am usually just trying to keep up. Now I am driving Over-The-Road (OTR) again. The company leave something to be desired but it is a job and so I am happy with that for now. I am considering purchasing my own rig, it is a thought. I am not sure if I will or not, I know that I will not do so while I am working at my present job since they do not have a lease-purchase program. If I decide to get my own rig then I will have to change companies to one that does have a lease-purchase program. I probably got some of you lost. A lease-purchase program allows a driver to purchase a rig of their own through the company that they are then leasing the truck to. The payments for the truck come right out of your settlement payment. It is a good way for someone that does not have good credit to get a truck of their own and become an Owner-Operator.

The title of this blog is WHAT THE HELL. The reason for this has to do with yet another man. Go figure, sometimes it seems like most of my blogs are connected to men in one way or the other. LOL. That is just me. In this case, I met someone a few weeks ago. Seemed like a good guy. He pursued me. Not something I am really use to but it made me feel good. He is also a truck driver, and works for the same company I do. This could be a good thing. He is the father of 5 girls. This I have no problem with. I love kids and would have had more of my own if I had had a spouse that would have stuck around and helped to provide for them. Well and if I had not had to have c-sections with each pregnancy.

So him and I talked on the phone daily, we text'd back and forth many many times a day. He went home cause there was a problem at home with his oldest daughter. He told me ahead of time that he was going to take the girls camping and would probably be out of communication for a while. Ok no problem...his daughters come first...this is a good thing. Well he got home on a Friday night/Saturday morning and I got a message from him that Sunday. He said he missed me. Hell I miss talking to him too. We text back and forth for a while and I asked him on which day he "claimed me". His answer was to ask me when I agreed to it. Hell right away I said. I get back an "LOL Love You. So I answer "Love you too" I get an instant response of "Hmmmmm Love hearing that" then nothing. And I do not mean for a day or two. Tomorrow will be 3 fucking weeks since I have heard from him. His co-driver has no idea what is going on either. In the last 3 weeks that he has been home the co-driver has only talked to him once and then just last weekend to tell the co-driver that he would not be able to come out this week. And nothing. Not a word. He is not answering texts or phone messages. From either of us. Sometimes when I call he sends me to voice mail sometimes it just rings until it goes there on its own. I feel like shit and am sick and tired of guys that do not have the decency to at least tell you why they seem to have changed their minds about you. Grow some balls guys and stand up and be a man.

The Mistake I Did Not Make

2010-05-09T22:25:00.002-04:00

I put in my last blog that my sweetheart Robert was coming to FL, well he got here on April 5th. We found an apartment and moved in on April 23rd. Just this week on May 6th I came home from work to find him gone. I have spent that last few days totally freaking out wondering just where he was and why he was gone. I have talked to his sister and aunt, befriended his friends on Facebook. No one I have talked to has heard from him at all. Today while talking to his sister yet again, I find out that he overheard a conversation my daughter and I had on Monday (I believe). We were sitting up in the loft of the apartment and for some reason my daughter got on this kick about something I did when I was dating a guy that was in jail last summer. (See past blogs) Well it seems that Robert overheard just enough of the conversation to think that I have another guy that is in jail. Instead of coming to me and asking me, it seems that he has left with just the clothes he owns. He has not contacted anyone that I know of, in fact I am really worried. Other than his sister and his adoptive parents, as far as I know he knows no body in Florida. Since his sister has not heard from him we have no idea where he is exactly. I pray that I hear from him soon.

I can understand someone being so afraid of confrontation that they will do almost anything to keep it from happening, but a simple question would have allowed him to find out the truth.

Changes

2010-04-04T02:58:00.003-04:00

I really should do a better job of keeping this updated, but so many times life gets in the way of what we should do.

No I am not going to Arizona...in fact it is my understanding that sometime in June my divorce from James should be finalized. This is a good thing. I need a chance to get on with my life, on my own terms.

I blog at http://www.flirtyauthorbitches.com along with many other wonderful people. My most recent blog has to do with finding my own way of dealing with all that happens. Choices we make can be so hard to just deal with...much let try to get others in our lives to understand.

When I told my mother that we, that is my daughter and I, intended to move to Arizona I did not tell her it was with the intention of trying to work things out with my estranged husband. I knew that if she had any idea of that she would be upset. When it looked like he was going to move here instead, I did finally break down to tell her and yes she reacted as I expected her to...she was upset and did her best to lay a guilt trip on me. I love my mother with all my heart and she has done more for me than should be allowed, but at times I think she forgets that I am a grownup also and thus allowed to make my own choices and mistakes. I think in some ways she expects me to do exactly what she says she does not want...to live here with her the rest of my life. I want a life of my own. There was a time when I would have been perfectly happy to have lived here with my mother and grandfather, but that was before all that happened last winter. Now I just want my own space and a chance to do what I need to do in order to be happy.

An amazing friend of mine has come back into my life. I met Robert about 3 1/2 years ago while I was at Truck Driving School. We tried dating for a short time but both had other obligations that kept it from working out. Now most of his obligations are over and he got up the courage to contact me again. We have spent the last weeks talking on the phone and texting back and forth when we could. We were discussing the chance of him coming down for a visit in May or June once I had a place of my own for him to stay at. There was also the good chance that he would not be going back to where he had been living. Unfortunately, his aunt whom he has been living with found out about this and got angry with him. He lost his place to live and is at the moment on his way down to FL. In fact, he will be here right around noon today.

So I tried to find a way to talk to my mother about him coming to FL. I was hoping that she might allow him to put up a tent in the back yard and sleep back there for the few weeks I am hoping it will take for us to move into an apartment. She was not even willing to talk to me about it...she just informed me that her house was not a motel and that she did not like the idea of a stranger having access to her home. Now I totally understand where she is coming from, but my biggest problem with all of this is that this is her normal reaction to anyone I might date. They are obviously not good enough for anything or anyone in her book. I do not know if it is me that is not good enough anymore or what. She leaves me feeling like I should go away and never bother her again so many days. But that is an entirely different blog (I hope).

So he still had to leave where he was on Friday and he still needs a roof to go over his head. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that now is the time to move out and just do our best to survive. So after I pick him up from the bus station today, we are checking into a motel and will be living in it until he finds work and we can move into our own apartment. It will not be easy, but nothing ever is. The hardest part, I think, was having to tell my mother this evening that my daughter and I are moving out. She was like ok...where are you moving to. I said a motel. Her next question was if the 3 of us would be in the same room. Well ya, I cannot afford to pay for two rooms. One room is going to cost us almost $240 a week as it is. Although that is the cheapest one I could find and in the end it will cost us around that much for an apartment, lights, cable, telephone, and internet access.

Now that I have told her about it, she did what I expected yet again. She acted like I was doing something wrong by daring to leave here and take my 18 year old daughter with me. I have made some bad choices in my life, but I would never willingly put my daughter in any danger. I have no doubt that Robert wants me and is so not going to be interested in Claire. My daughter is more interested in finishing her classes so that she can go spend her summer with her boyfriend in Virginia at his apartment. She wants out of this house so badly. She wants to sleep in a real bed. She does not want my mother and grandfather watching everything she does and judging it. I am not sure how happy she is going to be with us sleeping in what will probably not be too big a room but it will have two beds in it. We discussed going to a camp ground and sleeping in tents until we could find a place but that does not sit well with me. The cost is not that much more for this room I have found to rent. And at least this means real beds, a television, a bathroom and ac.

This is not something that is easy for me to do. I am relying on so much...if I do not work then we will lose our place to stay...I have to make sure that every spare penny I make I save in case there is a bad week. I am praying that he will find work quickly to help with it all. I just so want a chance to have some kind of life. Even if we have to fight to make it. I do not want to have to answer to anyone else any more than I have to. I already answer to God, to my boss, my daughter, and as of later today my boyfriend. Cannot I not want peace in my own life? This is a risk for me and for my daughter. Every choice I make lately I ask her opinion on it, if I feel it will directly effect her in any way. I know that she needs to feel that she has some kind of control over her own life.

Heaven help me, it is basically 4am and I have not gotten to sleep yet. I am not sure if my mind will even stop enough to allow me to sleep at this point. Think I will try a hot shower and see if that helps. I still have church in a few hours then I have to pick Robert up from the airport...then we will see what happens.

What Should I Do?

2010-01-18T15:19:00.003-05:00

So now I am really wondering what I should do.

I broke up with my boyfriend because he does not share the same faith as I do. This is important to me. It always has been important to me. When we first started talking and talked about being a couple, I did not know this about him. But after I asked him about it the other day and basically got scolded for daring to question him, or to say what I believe in. I had been having bad feelings about it all and had a good idea that things were not going to work out. Now I just hope he leaves me alone!

My estranged husband and I have been talking off and on for the last couple of months. On a couple of occasions he has said something about if I would be willing to try and make a go of it again. We have been separated for a long time now. The reasons for us splitting up are in the past. If I had my way I would not have split up with him. At the time, he thought "the grass was greener on the other side of the fence". Since then, he has decided that things were not as bad as he thought they were. It does not mean that all is good between us, in fact, If I did go back with him, it will be with the understanding that we need to work on things in a serious way. He is living in Arizona and wants me to come out there. I am all for that, I have been to Arizona before and actually liked it out there. I am just worried about the money to get there along with if I should really do this. My heart keeps telling me to do it, but I need to pray on it. If God wants me to go, then He will open the door and make it possible for me to get there.

Out With The Old...

2009-12-31T02:33:00.004-05:00

So today is the last day of 2009. It has been an interesting year to say the least for me at least. I was engaged, broke up with him, met someone new, dating again, I have gotten my daughter back. Some things were most enlightening to say the least.

The messed up engagement was to a guy I had known for around 3 years now. We had dated off and on during that time. In the end, he decided he was not ready for a relationship and that he already had too much on his plate to be involved. To me that meant he was still too much a child for a grown up relationship. He was more interested in his video games than me. Oh well, his loss and better before the wedding than after it.

I have talked to my second husband more in the last year than I have in the years since we split up. To my understanding, he is now dying of some kind of cancer. At one point early in the year, he wanted to get back together with me. No thanks. Now I wait to find out just what is going on with him.

I have done day labor, counted stock, worked at the carnival and been unemployed this year. Right now I am drawing unemployment. Not much but just barely enough to pay my rent and a little gas for my pickup.

The guy I am dating, I wonder about sometimes. I am going to see what happens this summer when we are together all the time. I do want someone in my life, just not willing to settle for just anyone. I want someone that fits me.

I got the chance of my lifetime when my first husband called me and asked me if I wanted to take my daughter now rather than when she turns 18 in March. Of course I said yes. Unfortunately for me that means I am stuck at my mothers house unless I can come up with the money to put us up somewhere until spring. My daughter is having a hard time adjusting. She misses her friends. She misses her father who cannot be bothered to talk to her when she calls. He is always "too busy" to talk. I have sat here many a night already and tried to make her feel better, but all she does is cry cause she feels that her father does not love her. I do not know what to do for her other than to love her myself.

Christmas was almost nothing. I got a couple of things from my mom. My grandfather gave me the money to purchase a ticket for Florida's Millionaire Raffle that is held every year and drawn on New Years Eve. They give away 9 $1 million prizes plus quite a few smaller ones too. I keep claiming $1 million of it as mine. If I took it in a lump sum it would just be enough to hopefully get me out of debt, into my own place, buy furniture for it and buy me a new vehicle. Might not seem like much, but it would mean having my own roof over my head. Something I have not had in far too many years. And being almost completely out of debt...something I will probable never be able to do on my own.

I do not do New Years Resolutions. I just pray daily that I can be the person God wants me to be, to do what is right and be as loving and forgiving as possible. My New Years Eve will consist of watching television with my daughter and then going to bed. Not real exciting but hey it works for me.

I wish everyone a wonderful and joyous New Year. May you get all you need in life and know happiness.

Curl Up With A Book and a Nook Give-a-way!

2009-12-21T21:54:00.002-05:00

Click below for chances to win books and maybe a Nook ! ! !

LIfe's Changes In The Most Unusual Ways

2009-12-07T08:32:00.003-05:00

So I now have my daughter. I picked her up the other day. We have moved to my mother's house. It is not bad, I enjoy spending time with my mom, but we are living in one small room and that makes for crowd'd conditions. It is only for a few months until it is time to go back to work again. We will see how things go.

I have enrolled her in correspondence school so that she can continue to get her high school diploma. Since I travel for work, there is no way for her to go to a traditional high school and still be with me. This is going to cost me about $1500 depending on just how many of her credits will transfer to the new setup. Hopefully she will not have to redo it all, but if she does then I will be with her helping her all the way.

Not much else going on at the moment.

Life's Unexpected Changes

2009-12-01T17:53:00.003-05:00

I have not written anything here in a while. Life takes some of the weirdest turns and the ones mine has taken in the last 2 months have kept me very busy indeed.

I have been in south FL for the last 6 weeks or so working for a guy that is a friend of my boss at Coleman Brothers Shows. But tonight I recieved a phone call that looks like it is going to change all that again. It seems that my daughter who is just 4 months shy of her 18th birthday is extremely unhappy with her living arrangements at her fathers house. Now he got remarried this last summer to a lady that is just about 11 years older than our daughter is. This lady also has a daughter of her own that is 10 years younger than my daughter. The lady is doing her best, to the best of my knowledge, to make things work in the household. The phone call I got today was to ask me if I want to get my daughter now rather than when she turns 18. Of course I am willing to take her, I just have to have somewhere for us to stay.

This requires that I contact my mother. After talking to my mom and her talking to my grandfather, it was agreed that I could come up there with Claire and myself. This means that I am going to have to give up the job that I have and move up there to try and live on the small amount of unemployment that I can get from the state. Now it is enough to cover my rent to my mom, but not much else. Food stamps will mean that Claire and I will not go hungry while living there. Now I am just waiting for her father to call me back in a day or two about the details of when and where.

Please pray that I can either find something that will last a couple of months or that I can somehow make things work on the little money I will have coming in. I want more than anything else in the world for my daughter to be happy and I am hoping that I can do that for her.

Now What Do I Do

2009-09-30T10:31:00.003-04:00

Alex moved out today, he did not even come to say goodbye. I woke up to find all the stuff he had in the other room gone. I just watched his father pick up the stuff that "does not fit".

I have not heard from John since Saturday. I do not know what to think of it all.

I had a dream last night that has me upset. I dreamed that I was married again, with a small child. A friend of my husband's put magic into the child and my baby gained 30 lbs overnight. I get so upset that I inform my husband that either his friend stays out of our house or I am going to leave. I even yell at his friend about hurting my child and ruining my marriage. Then just before I woke up, I decided to just die instead. This is when I woke up.

I really need to have some stability in my personal life.

Men are Crazy and My Bi-Polar Makes Me Not Much Better

2009-09-29T15:14:00.002-04:00

I moved to Savannah to be with Alex whom I have known for almost 3 years. I asked him specifically if he wanted me to come down here before I came. Since I have gotten here he has spent most of the time ignoring me. Not the way to work on a relationship. Because of this I went to my mothers for the weekend, when I get back on Sunday night, he decides to finally tell me that he is not interested in a relationship at this time in his life. It seems that he feels that his plate is too full for me. Whatever. Not exactly upset about it. I figure it out after being here about a week.

I have been talking to one of the guys that I worked with this summer, John. He says that he wants to date me. Not to bad an idea. He is a nice enough guy...or so he seems. It seems that on Wed or Thurs he was bit by a spider. On Friday, he says he spent the day in the hospital with his leg swollen from it. They put him on antibiotics. I was getting irritated cause I did not hear from him all day. When he called me on Saturday, we got to talk for a little while. He was getting ready to eat lunch and said he would call me back. I joked about holding my breathe until he called back. He promised he would. Then he messages me around 6pm on Saturday to say he was going to take a nap. Since then I have not heard from him. I am starting to get both pissed and really worried about him. Is he so sick that he cant talk on the phone? Is he in the hospital? Did he lose his phone somewhere? Or did he decide that I was not worth the effort and now is not talking to me? I would really like to know.

To make matters worse, I do not know if I will even have a place to live for the next month...even though I have already paid October's rent here.

For those that do not know...I have bi-polar disorder. I lean towards being depressed. All the stuff that is going on has me in a downward spiral. I will admit that if it was not for my Heavenly Father I would have killed myself long before now. Even now, knowing God as my savior keeps me from doing anything stupid. But boy do I hate it when I have no idea what is going on in my own life.

Please pray that God's will to be done!

End of the Season, Trip from Hades, & God's Protection

2009-09-19T23:16:00.002-04:00

So on August 31st, we closed down for the last time this year. The last week we were open was, as usual, pretty boring. It has a lot to do with the fact that our last stop of the year is one of the slowest spots we do all season. It was not all bad, I did get a chance to get to know one of the new workers, a guy that goes by the nic Ares. On Sunday, I got the honor of driving one of the bunkhouses from Trumansburg, NY to Middletown, CT. This trip was pretty boring, fairly standard trip. I got into the yard and dropped the bunkhouse where it should go. Then I had to wait for the others to get there so that I could have one of them ride back with me in the day-cab. Got to nap on the way back to Trumansburg. Once there, I was told to pick up the bus with all the employees on it and drive it back to Middletown. Fun Fun Fun… Did that…no problems.

So now I am sitting in Middletown, CT waiting for the other guys to get in so that I can go back and pick up a 3rd load. By the time everyone was in and we could leave it was around 4pm EST. Got into Trumansburg around 9:30 pm. Checked out my load…everything looked good. The load was our ticket box trailer. Not a heavy load, in fact it is light enough that the trailer they sit on only has one rear axle. Was on the road around 10:30. Stopped for something to eat and got back on the road. Right around 11:30 I blew out both tires on the drivers side rear trailer axle. Not good. Sparks flying…I manage to get the truck pulled over onto the curb. So now the problem is, there are no tires on the trailer, in fact there are also no rims either. It all blew off. I actually had the privilege of watching them roll away from the truck. Talk about scare the crap out of me. I am actually surprised I did not mess my pants. Called the boss to let him know there was a problem and for him to call someone to come and check out the damage.

Help does show. Unfortunately it is not really helpful. All he could do was sit behind me with flashing lights until a state trouper came by and set up some flairs for me. I spent the night of September 1st in the cab of a rig with no bed in it. Not fun. It seems that every time I managed to fall asleep, someone came by. Not good for keeping a tired girl from getting too grumpy. Of course, by now my cell phone is just about dead. It is dawn and no one is going to be out to move me until at least noon. Yippie, 12 hours or more sitting on the side of the highway. On the side of the New York Expressway to be more precise.

Several people who saw what the trailer looked like and the two guys that were following me when the incident happened all said that they are surprised that the trailer did not flip. Everyone is also surprised that I did not end up in the ravene that was on the passenger side of the road. It dropped down around 1o or 15 feet. I stopped the truck just above where the drop off was.

I know how it stayed upright, my guardian angel picked up the rear end and held it until I got it off of the road. When we tried to move the truck later, it would not move. The wheel was buried in the ground.

I ended up on the side of the road for right around 14 1/2 hours. When we finally got the truck and trailer to the shop it was around 3 pm or so. I get told that the truck would not be ready until the next day. So now I get to go to a motel. At least it gave me a hot shower and a fairly comfortable bed. The truck was finally done around 3 pm the following day. I did not get to leave the mechanics shop until almost 5 pm. Now I have to drive the rest of the way to Middletown. By the time I get in there it is around 8pm. This ended up being the longest trip in recorded history. 54 hours on a trip that should have taken no more than 14 hours to do round trip.

Now it is payday. I am hoping to get paid off and bonus’d out so that I can leave in the morning to head south. Unfortunately, my bonus is not ready. I am told that I will get it in the morning. I finish loading my pickup up with my stuff. In the morning I go and pick up a uhaul pull-a-long trailer since the pickup is way overloaded. By the time I get back I still have to wait until almost noon before I finally get my bonus.

I get home safe and sound. All is suppose to be good now right? NOT. While Alex is happy to see me, things are not good here. He is spending all of his time either watching tv or he is playing a game either by himself or with his nephew. When I have tried to say something to him about it, he informs me that he is a gamer, and his nephew is his life. And apparently he is spending time with me. I am sorry but sleeping next to me is not spending time with me. It is sleeping.

I get more attention from talking to Ares on the phone, which I have been doing for just over a week now. I have been out job hunting. It looks like I am going to try and get back out on the road driving 18 wheeler if I can find a company that will take me right now. If not, I have a lead on a job. A company that I use to work for is willing to take me back. Ares is suppose to call them on or around November 1st. He and I are, maybe going to go down there and work this winter. In the spring, we will most likely go back to Coleman Brothers Shows. As a couple. Who knows what will happen in the future. Time will only tell.

A Balance Between All The Junk In My Life

2009-09-17T21:21:00.003-04:00

So like things are not going as well as I would have hoped here. It does look like Alex should have a job as of tomorrow, he goes in the morning to take his drug test which I know he will pass. But the problem is other stuff. He is more interested in his games and his nephew than in anything else including me. This is not good with me cause while I do understand that his nephew has been his life since his nephew was born, it does not mean that I find it alright for me to be like the last priority on his list. Or at least that is the way it feels to me. I have only been here for 2 weeks but I am already ready to pack up and leave and find somewhere else to live quickly. I am at the point when I just want to know how much my unemployment is going to be so I can know if I will be able to afford to go to a motel and rent a room a week at a time. I figure that I need about $225 a week to be able to find a room for hopefully around $150 or so, put gas into my truck and food into the room to eat.

I just called to check on my unemployment...at the moment it looks like it is going to be $135 a week...unfortunately that is not enough to put me up in a motel...I knew I should have worked harder to save money this season. I guess that if I go back I will have to make sure that I put away my entire paycheck each week so that I can put a roof over my head next winter. We will see what Ares can come up with to see if I can find somewhere to go...maybe my mom will allow me to come there and Ares can go to the homeless shelter...or fuck it I will go also if I have to...anything to get out of this place. God willing my unemployment is just waiting for more money to show up from other states before it gets larger. Hell if I was staying here that would be more than enough money. I could give Alex's sister $75 a week and it would leave me $60 a week for gas and such in the pickup. At least it is something...hell it is more than I have ever gotten before in unemployment.

To make matters worse, my daughter is not getting along with her father and stepmother...in fact her stepmother has ever intention of making her life a living hell until she turns 18 in around 6 months. I know my daughter is not the easiest person to live with but she is still a minor...there is no reason for a 28 year old woman to be so nasty to a 17 year old girl. I know that Claire is not innocent in all of this, believe me I know that, but I also know that they are adults and she is still very much a teenager. A teenager that just wants to be loved and cherished as much as possible.

God Please help me to make the right choices and for everything to fall into place as it should be!!!!!

25 Days and Counting Down

2009-08-12T18:14:00.004-04:00

So I have made up my mind about what I am going to do...I am going home to Savannah and my boyfriend Alex. I would still like to go to work somewhere else and make some more money since I have no savings and every time I start to get one something happens and it is gone. I am just going to go on home and apply for my unemployment and put in applications with every place I can think of for a job.

My daughter spent the last 5 weeks with me on the road and did not want to go back to her father's house. He recently remarried and seems more interested in his new wife and step-daughter than in the daughter he is only going to have with him a few more months before she can leave on her own and he will have no say in it what-so-ever. I am going to find work, Alex & I will find us a 2 bedroom apartment or house to rent, then if she still wants to come to live with me she will have a room of her own.

She flew out of Syracuse International Airport into first Charlotte, NC changing planes there and flying from there to Tampa FL where she lives with her dad. Her flight was delayed in Syracuse for 2 hours waiting for the tower to clear them to leave...this caused her to be late for her connecting flight out of Charlotte. Luckily for her there was another flight leaving about 15 minutes or so later that she was able to get on and made it to Tampa only an hour later than she was originally suppose to be there. Putting her on that plane was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, she so did not want to go back to her dad's. She asked me several times to let her stay with me, but until she is 18 or at least a little bit closer to that special birthday, I did not want to fight with her father about it all. Add to that the fact that as of this point in time I do not have my own place to live. . .I am going to be living with my sister-in-law's house, on her good graces. There are only 3 bedrooms and she and her son are in 2 of them, with my boyfriend and me in the last one. So there really is no where for her to sleep at this point in time. I am praying that Alex & I can both find work fast so we can find an apartment soon.

What am I going to do now?

2009-07-16T15:30:00.005-04:00

I have worked for the same show for almost 7 years now. From March til September every year since I first came to Coleman Brothers Shows with the exception of the year I spent driving OTR. But I have come to a hard decision, I do believe that I am going to be leaving here and finding other work. I have said many times that I have had enough and had no intention of coming back yet was unable to find other work and came back to what I knew I could do.

This summer has not gone good at all. Every time I get to a spot where I might make some real money something happens and I get screwed out of doing so. It is not easy to make money when the economy is so low, but it is bad when you are not allowed to make the kind of money that I know I can make because the people you have worked for these many years decide to give the "best" box to someone else.

I was finally allowed this year to have my daughter out here with me. Her father finally decided to play nice and let her come. Of this I am so excited. I paid for her airplane ticket, and went to pick her up last Tuesday from Albany International Airport, in Albany NY. It seems that no sooner does she get here than rumors start to fly. The guy that I had staying in the room with me and my daughter made friends. So of course, it seems that they are having sex...a thing that both of them deny to an extreme.

So I finally put my foot down and he is no longer allowed to hang out with us. But this did not stop the people here from continuing to say bullshit things about me and mine. After kicking Danny out and putting my foot down with Claire about not being allowed to even talk to him, I started to hang out with the guys that have booked in with us. It seems that no matter how well I behave, someone is going to be spreading rumors about me. The newest ones are that my daughter, who is a virgin, is now having sex with Danny. Then their is the one that got said that Billy(the guy booked in with us) is having sex with both Claire and I. I am like WHAT THE FUCK! I had not done anything more than have dinner with him, watch a movie with him and a friend of ours. And now my daughter and I are fucking him???????? Now he is acting skittish around my daughter when neither one of them have done a damn thing wrong. Hell he does not even sit next to her unless it is in the pickup. Why can people not just leave me alone? Is it so interesting what little bit of life I might have that it has to be spread around the show like it was golden information?

Now my daughter was kicked out of the joint where she has been working this week because she is not fast enough. This is the first time she has ever done this kind of work, just how fast do people expect her to be? It has also been sais that she cannot make change. I have asked her numerous questions about just what someone should get back for change if they give her x dollars. She seems to know how to make change. I do not know what is going on here this year. It is almost like it is a full moon all of the time. Everyone is being so strange and mean and just out of sorts. But it is enough to make me say it is time to find a new show to work on soon.

We will see what happens in the next couple of weeks.

My Tattoo's

2009-06-04T16:13:00.015-04:00

My Tattoo's have been much asked about and now I think I might have pictures that will show them.

My wrist says *Always & Forever & *
in such a way that it goes on and on.

Emo Bear

Secret Bear

Bedtime Bear

Baby Tugz

Baby Hugz

Good Luck Bear above Baby Hugz and Baby Tugz

Cozy Heart Penguin a Care Bear Cousin

Friend Bear

Grumpy Bear with Friend Bear

Playful Heart Monkey...another Cousin

Taz for my nephew, Robbie, with his birth-date

I use to tell my boss at the carnival to kiss my ass; his answer was to mark the spot, so I did

My Zodiac sign is Pisces...which makes me a water sign. The small symbol on the bottom is the Chinese (I think) character for Pisces, Roses are my favorite flower, and the water cause...I am a water sign. I wanted something unique to show my Zodiac.

This is my memorial for my father, he died of Colon Rectal cancer on 5-19-2007. He was a police officer when I was small and that was always a large part of how he was defined in my mind. He was also someone that did NOT like tattoo's felt they were a waste of money and such. While he lay dying in Hospice House of Lake and Sumter Counties, he and I talked about me getting a tattoo for him, he helped me design the tattoo I know have on my left shoulder blade. All the things that are in the tattoo are part of him, the shield, the cowboy boots, and the crooked halo cause he was far from perfect.

I lost a child not long before I got pregnant with my youngest son, Chris was a very important person to me through that time, He also was there when I lost custody of my 3 children and when my second marriage failed. He is in many ways a large part of my soul. The heart and dagger are for him, and for that time in my life. Because of him I was able to open up my heart again and love someone. His name was also the very first Tattoo I ever got.

In some ways this is the tattoo I almost regret, but I am going to get it reworked a little to make it more of what I need it to be. I have had 2 separate Michaels' that touched my life. One was my first husband and my daughters father, the other is someone I dated that in so many ways was a mistake but he helped me to learn just what I was willing to put up with and what I was not willing to deal with anymore.

My tattoo to show my faith and belief in my country. I love the Eagle and how it is tearing out of the skin. it also has the American Flag behind him.

These are the characters for the name Mark, Mark was there when my second marriage failed the second time...I had given my second husband a second chance and it came back to bite me. But Mark was there for me to lay my head on his shoulder and cry when I needed it. For that I am forever thankful.

Lost in Carnival Land and Not Happy

2009-05-31T17:16:00.004-04:00

I am sitting here in my ticket box, wishing that my life would begin already. I am so tired of everyone sticking their noses into the middle of my life. Specially when I do not want nor do I need it there.

As most of you know, I am getting married in the fall/winter, and my sweetheart is in jail at the moment. So in many ways my life is on hold as well as his. When he gets out there is so much that he has to do to get his life in order. And it seems as if mine is not much better. I spend days trying to figure out why some people act the way they do, why do they think it is ok for them to get upset but when I get pissed about something its no big deal.

Ok let me try and explain this to you. I work for a carnival(see past blogs) and I live in a small bunkhouse with 3 other people. There are 2 on one side of a partial wall and 2 on the other side. Because of there being so many people in such a small space I have two different curtains hung up. One is just inside my side of the doorway area, so that I or my roommate can change clothes without worrying about someone opening the door and showing our personal stuff to the whole world. I also have a blanket that is pinned over and run across a bungie cord that sits basically
on the bed so that when I go to bed I can close it down and it rests against the bottom bunk where I sleep and I can sleep in privacy.

So in the room I stay in, there are two Hispanic guys on the one side and me and another girl on the side I live on. One of the guys (we will call him Peepee) Peepee keeps insisting that he has like "mad respect" for me, yet he has a bad tendency to open not only my outside curtain but to life the blanket that hangs on my bed up and stick his nose inside my space when I am in there. Now the other night I was curled up in my bed with a friend and we were watching a movie with both curtains closed. Peepee came into my room and first came through the closed curtain at the doorway, B.T.W. the door was also locked. Then reached in and picked up the blanket and stuck his head inside my sleeping area. He did this not once but twice this night. All he could say either time was "oops" I was not happy but was trying to relax so I could sleep so I figured I would deal with it in the morning.

Come the next morning when I tried to confront him on it, I was informed that it was "no big deal" this really pissed me off. He thinks it is no big deal for him to stick his ugly fucking nose into my bed and try to watch me doing anything. Now mind you at the time this started I had no idea just how much he wanted to catch me in the act of anything. But he so sweetly informed me that he was looking around the curtain to watch me, and stood there for quite a while watching us, he thought that I was masturbating and figured that it was something he wanted to watch. I have no wish to have this fat fucker watch me or anything else. He also informed me that if he had known I was such a freak then he would have been (and this really pisses me off) eating my pussy really good all this time. I have told him before that I am not interested in him and there is no way that I would be willing to ever have any kind of sex with him. But it seems that he has such a high opinion of himself that he cannot imagine me truly not wanting to allow him into my bed.

I sat here and talked to one of the wonderful ladies that I have become friends with online, and she said that I really needed to let someone know what had happened. After a while I did finally go to our office manager and let her know at least part of what happened. She was not real happy about the whole thing either. To me what he does is the equivalent of him walking into my house without bothering to knock. Or even worse, cause he is "walking" into my bedroom without permission. It is invasion of privacy of pretty much the worst kind imaginable. Growing up if I had walked into my parents bedroom without permission I would have at the least gotten my ass warmed, at the worse probably a hand upside my head.

So the office manager confronted him after work, and his reaction to that is to come to the room and start yelling at me because I had the audacity to not go to him if I had a problem. I did try and confront him and his reaction was and still is "it is no big deal" so yes I went over his head to someone hoping to have something done about it. I was told that I am a snitch cause I went to our office manager and told her about some of what happened on Friday night/Saturday morning. It seems that my next step will be having to go to the big bosses about moving him out of the room and moving someone else into it. I do not know how else to stop him from doing what he is doing.

So why is it ok for him to stand there and invade my privacy that way? But it is not ok for me to be upset about it and to be upset about his attitude on the whole situation?

The Good News and the Bad News

2009-05-28T19:10:00.002-04:00

So like I got to talk to Alex for like a whole minute and a half last night on the phone. I found out that it looks like he will be home in July instead of in August. This is good news. It will mean that he will be looking for work that much sooner. The bad news is that I am still going to be stuck up here until the first week of September. But at least if he is home I can call him every night and we can talk as long as we want without people listening in on the conversation. So this means that he is down to like 60 days while I still have 100 to go. Boo Hoo and Hurray all in one.

98 Days / 108 Days

2009-05-20T19:44:00.003-04:00

For those of you who have no idea what the title of this blog means, my boyfriend will be out of jail in 98 days or on August 25th. I am scheduled to be home 10 days later, thus the 108 days. I am excited that he is down to less than 100 days now. I look forward to each letter he sends me with a happy heart. It has been a long time since I have had anyone in my life that truly cared about me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. I have been married and divorced twice since I was 18. The prospect of having someone that even after 2 1/2 years of dating off and on still wants to be with me is in many ways shocking to me. I still expect to have him change his mind and decide that I am not worth the effort. I probably will be this way until after we are actually married and have been for a while.
Yes I was the one that asked him if he wanted to make things permanent between us. We actually had discussed this a year or so ago before he went to jail. We have spent the majority of the time we have dated actually just talking on the phone and now corresponding by letters. I am not a person that is easy putting my feelings down on paper where they can be used against me, yet I write to Alex almost every day. At times I send off 2 or 3 envelopes a week with letters in them depending on how much I have to say on a given day. It is shocking for me to be able to do so. I mean for anyone that actually reads this, you know that I am horrible about keeping up with stuff like this. Yet I find/make time each day to let him know what is going on even if it is nothing important. In the end, this is what will make things work between us, the fact that we actually talk. I was always told by my father that as soon as you start having sex with someone you stop talking to them and stop getting to know them. I am sure that this is true. I have jumped into things in the past and not taken the time to truly get to know the person. In the end I am always hurt. This time we have spent a long time getting to know one another. I am not saying that we have not been intimate, because yes we have, but it was a long time before that happened between us.
Anyway the whole point of this was to say that I am counting the days and looking forward to the end of August like I have never before in my life.

New Signature Lines for Little Old Me

2009-05-16T21:34:00.006-04:00

So I am as always lax on writing in my blog. I have purchased a Sony Ebook reader and absolutely LOVE it. I have also purchased a Kodak digital camera since I am trying to do up a scrapbook of my time at the carnival. It will also be good for my life after the carnival. I want to be able to take pictures of my boyfriend whenever I wanna and not have to worry about getting them developed. I can just print them out or keep them in digital format on my puter.

For those of you that I chat with online in the loops, sweet Lex Valentine made me a couple of sig. lines that I can use. They are so awesome I can hardly believe it myself. She does such amazing work I am so proud to be able to say that Lex made it.

Ok work here is almost done for the night so I better stop while I can.
Have a great day.

, My Sweetheart

2009-04-24T18:07:00.002-04:00

So today I went in and got a couple of disposable camera's developed that I had lying around, when I went to pick them up I was checking out the pictures and I found the ONE picture I wanted more than almost anything, a picture of Alex my boyfriend!!!!! Now I am happy!

Another Week on the Road

2009-04-24T08:43:00.000-04:00

I am sitting in Milford, CT at the Connecticut Post Mall. This would be an ideal spot, if there was not the temptation of going shopping everytime I get a dollar in my pocket. LOL. I have a serious shopping problem and I need to be saving money and paying off bills instead of shopping. I think a lot of it stems from being without money so much that when I do have it, I want to go and get what I need and want right then.

On a different note, My bff Shannon has had some really bad news, her 4 year old daughter has Leukemia and it is spreading fast. So fast that the doctors are no longer talking about a bone marrow transplant, just stepping up her kemo. Shannon is not taking it well. As a recovering addict, she blames it all on herself. She has fought long and hard to get clean, and I am so proud of her for making it this far, but this is not easy on her and its going to get harder. She does not know if she can make it if her daughter dies. Please add her and her family to your prayers.

My life is about normal, my ex-husband has broken up with his girlfriend. And now he is being nice to me again. I so do not need this. I just want to move on with my life, and that is not going to happen if he keeps this up. The only good thing about it all is that it looks like he is going to let our daughter come and see me this summer. I will do almost anything to get to spend time with my daughter. She is the most important thing in my life.

I hope all is well in everyone elses life. If you are anywhere near Milford, come by and say hi. I am in the ticket box in front of the Merry-Go-Round!

My Boyfriend

2009-04-15T11:00:00.002-04:00

I received a letter today, from the guy I have been dating of and on for the last 2 1/2 years. I was so excited to hear from him. I have actually not heard from him in about a year. It's not that we had a falling out or anything, it is that he was a bad boy during a time when we stopped talking because of the people he was hanging out with. I would call to talk to him and he would not have time to talk and so after a few times of this I stopped calling. During this time, the "friends" he had talked him into robbing a house. Needless to say, the other guy started bragging about pulling the job and they both got arrested for it. Since Alex is a first time offender, he was able to plead on that and got a reduced sentence, unfortunately for him, the guy they robbed has money and a little power in the area they live in and wanted a lesson taught. So Alex got 12 to 18 months in jail and 45 years (yes I said YEARS) probation. It is ridiculous. He has NEVER in his life been in trouble with the law, except for speeding tickets and the like. And he got 45 years of probation. Dad is working on that now, but still, this means that he cannot leave the state until he is in his 70's. I guess it is a good thing that I like that state lol since I will not be going far from him for a long long time. Shoot this is crazy. To do ONE Thing wrong and he is paying for it the rest of his life. I can understand making him pay restitution to the guy. He did wrong him, but to take away the rest of his life because of it. Its not like he killed anyone, they stole some of this guys stuff. I personally have been robbed and I cannot imaging going in front of a judge and asking the judge to put someone through that for some personal possessions. I was robbed last fall, and what was stolen was my father's wedding band and my high school class ring, so yes I was and still am very unhappy about it, but still. Teach Alex a lesson, yup he has definitely done that, Alex never again intends to do anything like what he did. He wants a future too much to do something stupid like that again. But come on, let him have a life.

Anyway, I got a letter from Alex...I am so stoked. He told me he misses me and that he loves me so much. Thinking of a future with me makes him want to behave and get out of where he is when he can. Good I want him out as soon as possible. I want him with me, almost any way I can get him. I am not use to someone saying they need me, and that they consider me their best friend the one person they can tell anything to, and actually mean it. I am not use to being the rock someone else leans on. It made me cry to read his letter. But cry in a good way. It is good to know that for the first time in a long time, feelings I have are returned to me. It is nice to know someone cannot imagine life without me in it. Maybe I will not have to be alone after all.

Now if I can just get the people I work with to shut their mouths and let it all go. I got looked at cause it says on the back of the letter's envelope that it comes from a detention center....hello I knew this, hell I wrote to him first. I also knew him long before he got into trouble. It is not like I just picked this guy out as a pen pal and "fell in love" with him. I have known him a good while. Hell I have known Alex a whole lot longer than I knew either of my spouses before I married either one of them, that has got to be saying something. He knows me probably better than my family does and he still loves me in spite of it. I always said it was best to fall for a friend, cause they already know you.

Anya Bast Contest

2009-04-08T12:03:00.003-04:00

Anya Bast is doing another awesome almost month long contest on her website. She is giving away lots of kewl stuff. Books and gift cards and such all most all month long.
Be sure to go and enter.

Grand Prize: $100 GC to Amazon.com
Runner Up: $25 GC to B&N and a box of surprise paperbacks and other goodies (like chocolate, bath goodies, ect). This is going to be a NICE prize!
Runner Up: $25 GC to B&N and a box of surprise paperbacks and other goodies. (same as above)

Plus chances to win books (almost) every day for a month!

Go to http://www.anyabast.com/blog/ for details on how to enter.

March 31, 2009

2009-03-31T12:21:00.002-04:00

I so hate being Bi-Polar. It really does suck. The mood swings are usually enough to make me crazy. The higher I go on a good day, the farther I will fall when not so good days happen. I worry so much that one of these days I will drop too low, and do something to allow myself to die. I would never actively kill myself, but I know that alot of what I do is passively suicidal. I have no insurance and so have no way to get my medication that balances me out and helps stop the massive mood swings. I have applied for Disability but the government keeps saying that I am not bad enough to qualify. Makes me wonder just how bad I need to be to get help. I sure wish I knew.

I have a bad time of spending all my money as a way to self-medicate. I do not know what else to do, to keep myself from getting bad. I wish that someone would help me out.

March 30, 2009

2009-03-30T14:03:00.002-04:00

I am sitting in Middletown, CT hating myself. Well at least wishing that I had a different life. It is so hard to deal with stuff when you feel like no-one will ever want me. It does not seem to matter how nice I am, or how sweet of a person I am. What exactly do men want in a relationship anyway? They say that they want someone that will be faithful to them, yet when they meet someone that way they are not happy. Why can't someone just be happy with a good lady?

Today is one of them days where I feel like I would be better off dead. Do not worry (as if anyone reads this anyway) I would never do something like that. I believe that to do so would damn my soul to hell for all eternity and nothing that happens here is worth that. Nothing here is that bad, nothing here is worth that. I just wish that someone out there could care for me. I am so tired of not being good enough for anyone. Of not being pretty enough, not being skinny enough, just not being enough.

I have been married two times, both times I was told they would be with me forever. Both times they chose to leave me for someone else. My first husband even has told me in the last year or so that he still loves me, yet I believe that he is going to marry the new girlfriend he has. What kind of pathetic am I that I would believe that? How pathetic is it that no-one would want me? My second husband told me not long ago that he wanted to work things out, I have no interest in doing that. The way we split was not good, so nope not going there. But now when I try to push him on it, he has no intention of coming up to where I am. Yup it seems that I am just all kinds of pathetic.

Now I would like more than anything to meet someone that could care about me. I just want someone to love me. Hell I don't think that even my family loves me, not really. They tolerate me, they put up with me from time to time, but they do not really want me around. I am going to be looking for someplace to stay this coming winter. If it means that I have to stay in Connecticut, in a motel all winter.

Like I said I hate my life. How pathetic am I?

More Rob Pattinson

2009-03-28T19:29:00.002-04:00

Rob Pattinson

2009-03-27T21:40:00.002-04:00

Yummie Robert Pattinson...I sure wouldn't mind meeting this vamp in a dark alley one night.

March 26, 2009

2009-03-26T11:36:00.011-04:00

I am now in Connecticut. It was an uneventful trip. I actually got in here on Sunday Night. I have been sitting in my bunkhouse room since Monday with not much to do.

I did learn one important thing this week though. I need to make sure that I take time for myself, to read what I want to read. If you actually read this journal you will know that I do book reviews for two different web sites. I have spent the last few months reading almost nothing except the books/stories for my reviews. I have been getting to the point where I was not enjoying reading as much as I usually do.

On my daughter's insistence, at 17 she is loving reading the Twilight series. So since the movie came out on Saturday morning, while I was at Walmart before I left for CT I stopped at the Red Box and rented Twilight the movie. When I stopped for the night, I put it in my laptop and proceeded to get lost in the world of Stephenie Meyers. I could so not believe how much I enjoyed the movie. Since my daughter liked the books so much, and I enjoyed the movie so much, I decided to purchase the books to read. Silly me, I thought that just picking up the first two would be good enough for like a weeks worth of reading. I did not get even 1/4 of the way through the first book, when I knew I would have to have them all. On Monday morning, I picked up the last 2 books. I preceded to devour all 4 books. I finished the last book yesterday evening. Yes these are LONG books and I just did not want to put them down at any point.

I started a topic thread on one of the sights I chat on about Twilight the movie. I have heard people say very negative things about it. I have also heard people say how much they loved the books and movie. It seems that people either love or hate Twilight. I personally love them and I hope that Ms. Meyers finishes Midnight Sun, the book about the start of the romance from Edwards view point. I think it will add a lot more depth to what we already love so much.

If you are interested in my opinion, I think that you should read at least the first book and see for yourself if you will like it. I personally love them and will be looking forward to the next movie, and to more books from Stephenie Meyers.

March 20, 2009

2009-03-20T10:54:00.002-04:00

So I am stuck sitting at the library today, because it seems that there will be no where for me to sleep at work until Monday. That and my boss has not sent me the money yet that I need to go north with. My sister is not happy to say the least. It seems kind of funny that she will get upset about things yet has no problem doing the same type of things to me. An example of this is, when my father got sick, he had aflac from work, so he got a check for almost $10,000. The only problem is the check was sent after he died and his bank account had already been closed. So it was required that it go thru a lawyer and be probated. It had been cleared, but my sisters have no intention of letting me have my 1/3 of the money. Now they are upset cause the lawyer has taken right about 1/3 of the money in legal fees. I do not know what they have to complain about, at least they are getting something. But it seems as if my middle sister has no intention of handing over any of the money to anyone now. So not only am I getting screwed out of my part of the money but it seems as if my baby sister (who has spent the last 3 months bitching cause I was around) is not going to get her part either. I am having a hard time feeling sorry for her. Maybe that is just me being mean, or maybe it is just that since they have no intention of playing fair about the money to start with it is hard for me to be upset when I see one of my sisters doing the same thing to another of them that they are doing to me.

March 19, 2009

2009-03-19T11:12:00.002-04:00

So like I am leaving for work in the morning. Or at least sometime late this evening most likely. I have also been asked to join a blog group. I am so excited. This is a first for me. http://flirtyauthorbitches.com/ Flirty Author Bitches is the blog group. It is so kewl to be liked enough to be asked to join in. I wanna thank the others in the group for inviting me to join.

Back to working. My boss lady is putting the money into my checking account today so that I can go up there. I was seriously trying to make enough money to pay my own way, but it seems like every time I might be able to save a dollar something happens and I do not work for a while and the money goes *poofers*. I think it is going to be interesting to get up there on $300. Yes, gas is less than it was even 6 months ago when I came back to FL. But I will still need like 5 tanks of gas as I see it. Well at least 4. I am able to go right around 250 miles before I feel as though I should put gas in my pickup. I am averaging around 17 miles to the gallon and with an 18 1/2 gallon tank, that means at the most, I can go 320 miles on a full tank of gas. Pushing it I feel safe going 275 miles without filling the tank. Since my trip is just about 1100 miles, I figure I need to fill up 4 times once I leave here. That is leaving here with a full tank of gas. Since at the moment I have just over half a tank, it won't take quite as much to fill it up before I leave. I also want to have enough money left to fill my tank back up when I get to Middletown, CT. I also will need to purchase a small heater once I get far enough north for them to be on sale again. Since I live in FL there is noone selling space heaters down here right now. Go figure.

I figure that I will get to work sometime on Saturday. We open a week from tomorrow, so as far as I am concerned, that is good. I will be happy to have money in my pocket on a regular basis again.

March 12, 2009

2009-03-12T19:04:00.002-04:00

I am sitting at home and can not believe it has been so long since I left a blog entry. Since the end of January I have been working day labor. I get out most days but it is only like $50 a day that I make for 8 hours of work, minimum wage. It is better than nothing so on that count I am not complaining.

On the home front though, things are actually worse than they were before. My sister has decided that since I am going to be here 4 days longer than we originally thought I would be, she is going to make me greatly regret ever staying here. As of the other night, I am no longer allowed to eat ANY food that she cooks. This includes left overs. So as of the other night, I am going to be eating out I guess. This or picking up something on my way home to throw in the microwave when I get home from work. If I dare to even touch the left overs, she is going to throw all of my stuff into the garbage, one item at a time. This is getting to be petty and vindictive. Not to mention ridiculous. My mother informed me tonight that it is not like she can even say I am helping her out cause I have not given her any money in 2 weeks. I actually beg to differ on that account. I gave her money 2 weeks ago yest. I gave her $100 which was all I had left after gas and food from what I had made that week. Last week all my money went to pay my insurance on my pickup and to renew my tags. On the one day I got ahead in the game, they decided to go out to dinner. I spent $30 on a dinner that I did not really want at a restaurant that I do not care for, but I am not allowed to refuse anything like that since I will then make mom upset. Mind you it is ok for my sister to piss off our mother but not me.

I also am getting the silent treatment from my sister when I dare to be home. Mind you I leave for work at 5 am and do not get home most evenings until 5 pm. Yet even those few hours are too many for her to have to see me in. I am also usually in bed by 8 pm so the 3 hours I am home and up are just murder on her poor psyche. And heaven forbid I do not get out for the day and dare to come back to the house. Then it is worse.

I will be very glad to go back to the carnival next week. At least there I can shut my door and lock out most everyone that is irritating me. Not to mention there is no one looking over my shoulder to see what I am doing at any given moment. I just wish to have a normal life.

I have learned one thing from this winter. No matter what is going on I am not coming back here to live again. I LOVE my mother, but given a choice she will do for my sister before me, and I cannot even rely on her to defend me. I am expected to take all my sister dishes out and just swallow it like a bitter pill. I also know that if something were to happen, my mother would again invite my sister to stay here with her, and I cannot endure another winter like the last 3 months.

In my mothers defense, my sister does have her 2 year old son with her, but mom knew that my baby sister and I had problems living in the same house before she invited her to stay here too. She really should have asked me to leave or something before my sister came here to stay.

I will do my best to either save enough for a motel room all winter. That I figure will cost me about $5,000 for 6 months. I noticed most places are around $200 a week. Which all in all, I could not get an apartment and pay the utilities for that amount so. The other option is my boss at Coleman Brothers is looking to purchase land in south FL and if she does, she has said I am welcome to live in the house if I pay the utilities on it. That would be a pretty good deal for me I believe. We will see what happens. I do know that I have to be really careful this year and do my best to save every penny I can.

Please pray for me that I can do the Lord's best to not antagonize my sister anymore. It is only one more week until I was told I could leave for work, I can do this, I know I can. Also pray for safe travels for me as I head for Connecticut at the end of next week.

Love Dianna

2009-01-28T14:49:00.004-05:00

I am sitting here on yet another night where I have to leave for work at 2 am to ride for hours to work a few hours. I am actually hoping that today I will get more than 2 hours in working though. I am tired of not having any money to spend on anything but gas for my pickup. Every other penny I make goes to my mom and grandfather for money that I owe them. Yes I owe them the money but it still sucks when there is nothing left over even for a dollar burger from anywhere.

The situation with my sister is not any better, if anything it is getting worse. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do until there is work for me in Connecticut in March, and late March at that. I work every shift I can get, for some reason that is not good enough for her. I need to work more and more and if she had her way I would be living in my pickup with no heat to stay warm on cold nights. It is getting to the point where I want to tell her to get a fucking life and leave mine alone. I am not sure I have ever known anyone that was so interested in the smallest details of my personal life. She even has the audacity to ask when our next door neighbor is going to take me back out for the evening. I guess she is hoping that something will happen there and that I will decide to move in next door. Not going to happen, one he is not my type, two why would I move into a place where I would be more uncomfortable than I am here. If I did then I would think the guy would expect me to put out and I have no interest in casual at this point in my life. I am more interested in finding someone that I can spend maybe the rest of my life with. Not a wham bam thank You ma'am hell most of the time itis without the thank you anymore. Just so not into that anymore.

Oh well I guess I should finish getting ready for work so I can leave soon. Hope everyone is having a good day and that things get better for me soon.

January 20, 2009

2009-01-21T00:19:00.003-05:00

So we have a new president as of today. It will be interesting to see how he does. I am not a fan of him, but the people voted him in so now is his chance to prove to the rest of us that he can do it.

I am sitting here again killing time til I leave for work. It really sucks when you have to be at work at 2 am just to ride for almost 3 hours and work maybe 3 hours to ride back 3 hours home. And the worse part is they do not even pay us for all of it. I have asked for more hours and we will see just how many I end up with here in the next couple of weeks.

My mom did drop my rent down by $200 which means now I am only behind $280 as of Thursday this week when I get paid. Of course, I have to pay my grandfather what I owe him, so even with the rent reduction, I am still putting out almost my entire paycheck and only getting to keep just enough for gas in my pickup to go to work. In so many ways I will be glad when mid March gets here and it is time to go back to Connecticut again and start making some money. At least then I will not be paying rent to sleep on the floor anymore. I am just hoping that I can make enough to be able to maybe get my heater fixed in my pickup before I have to go north. If not I am going to be freezing my ass off up there every time I need to go somewhere. But at least I will be making money again for my pocket. I am tired of working my ass off and not ending up with anything for myself out of it all.

Oh well enough of my bitching about everything. *its no wonder no one reads this lol* I need to head out so I can stop at the store and pick up something for lunch. Yippie...

January 18, 2009

2009-01-18T00:21:00.002-05:00

So I am sitting here waiting for enough time to pass for me to go to work, wondering if I will ever be good enough to please anyone in my family. I am so tired of not being good enough for anyone. I hate my life and at times I wish that it was over. I will never amount to anything anyway. I am a failure at anything I do. I was a failure as a wife and as a mother, I am a failure as a daughter and sister. I cannot even keep a job that I loved. I keep ending up at a job that, yes I enjoy and have enjoyed for years, but it is only a seasonal job so I am without steady work for 6 months of the year. Apparently I am jealous of the wonderful success my sister is. At least that is what I was told tonight. I need my medications and I have no insurance nor any money to go to the doctor to get the scripts much less the pills that help keep me stable. I do not think anyone in my family understands how much I try and try and still seem to fail at everything I do. I just want to be loved and have someone that wants me to be around once in a while. Instead of being the person that everyone just puts up with.

I am very much aware of the mistakes I have made in my life. I live with them every day and will continue to live with them until the day God decides my time is up here on earth. I have done some things that I am not proud of, so many things I wish I could go back and change. But there is no time machine, no magic pill that will make everything better. There is only me dealing with my mistakes and my fuck-ups and knowing that they will haunt me for the rest of my life. I know I have done damage to my children, damage that can never be fixed. I regret everything I have done wrong in my life. I am not now, nor have I ever been a drug addict; I am not an alcoholic, nor have I ever had a drinking problem. I have made some horrible choices in my past. Choices I live with ever day. Choices that effect me and what I do from now on. I have been single for several years now, because I keep ending up with men that either had one or both of the above problems, or they were not interested in a relationship. I want something that will last, someone that can love me for me. I do not know if it will ever happen but I want it to.

I need to get ready for work. Please pray for me. Thanks

January 12/13, 2009

2009-01-12T17:41:00.004-05:00

Black Sheep.

I was just sitting here reading an authors blog about how she came up with her writing name. It has to do with 2 black sheep in her family. I personally know what it is like to be one of those black sheep. I was raised by the black sheep of one family, my father was considered the black sheep of his family. As such it seemed like we were never good enough to be included in all the stuff that went on with the family. Now that my father is gone from this world, it seems that he passed that on to me. Actually, I have felt like the black sheep of my family for most of my life.

My mom is a hard worker, while I was growing up; she worked, took care of us, at one point went to school to get her LPN License as a nurse. During that time I was in middle school and had two younger sisters at home. As a teenager, it was my responsibility to cook, do laundry, make grocery lists, go grocery shopping with my mother, make sure my sisters were ready for school each day, have my father's lunch ready for him to take to work each work day. There was a lot placed on me. In many ways it helped me to have the temperament that I will do what needs to be done. But it was also the first time that I had a nervous breakdown. Right as my mother graduated from school, she was so worn out that she had her own bad time of it. It was a lot of stress for her to work full time and go to school full time.

Because my mother was having a bad time of it, when I was also doing the same thing I was informed that I was NOT ALLOWED to be feeling what I was feeling. I was also not allowed to go get any help. It has lead me to an adult life where I fight bi-polar disorder. Most of this time I was misdiagnosed as having chronic recurring depression. Of course, this meant that the medications I was put on did nothing to help me out. The one time I was put on the right medications it helped me out so much, but then I lost my insurance and have been without medication since then.

But I digress. I am suppose to be blogging about being the black sheep. It seems to me like my whole life nothing I have ever done has been good enough to please anyone in my family. I love the carnival work that I do, while at the same time being told that I do not have a real job. Now mind you, neither of my sisters have jobs. My middle sister because she is too lazy to work, my baby sister because her husband prefers it that she stays at home and takes care of their son. So I still wonder what right either of them haves telling me that anything I am doing for work is not real work. My middle sister said that to me while I was out full time driving a rig. As if working all but maybe 3 days a month is not a real job. Last time I checked it payed real money. This should make it a real job.

At the moment, my baby sister is living with us. And apparently I am not suppose to be here at all. It does not matter that I am paying rent, mind you at the moment it is not as much as I am suppose to be paying but I am not making that much money, but I am paying every penny that I can to our mother. But all my sister wants is for me to leave so that I am not in her way. Or at least that is how it seems to me. She has actually told me that mother deserves better than to have me living here. She has also informed me that if I stay here long term I need to be looking at moving into my own apartment. Apparently mom has talked to her about it, but it seems kind of funny that she has not told me this herself. There is nothing like not feeling welcome at your own parents house.

I am so tired of no matter what I do it not being good enough in the eyes of my family. All I want is to be allowed to have my own life. To find a guy that likes me for me and that I can like in return. To at some point be able to afford a place to live, I just do not feel comfortable living by myself. I want to live with someone. It scares the hell out of me to think about living alone again.

Well I guess I should get ready for that job that is not a job lol. I have to go to Tallahassee tonight to do an inventory for a lil clothing store. It will mean another like 2 hours working.
God Help me I need something to give, for the best I pray.

January 9, 2009

2009-01-09T05:49:00.002-05:00

So I am sitting here at my mothers computer, way too early in the morning to go to a job that I do not like cause if I am not working my family will have a fit and a half. I love them but I wish that I was good enough to actually be part of this family. My mom is discussing my financial situation with my sister which really pisses me off. If I dared to ask about my sister, the said sister would no doubt inform me that it is NONE of my business. But it seems to be alright for her to know all about mine. That would be like me sticking my nose into my grandfathers business which I do not nor would I do. I am afraid that if I do not find something I enjoy soon that I will be going back to Connecticut in March to the carnival yet again. I really do want to get away from that type of work cause it does not last long enough during the year. But this time if I go I am going to take pretty much everything with me so that I do not have to come back here next winter and "bother" anyone (to use my sisters wording) actually she said that mommy does not need nor does she deserve to have to support me. I am doing my damn best to try and pay my way but apparently yet again it is not enough.

I got paid last night, my final paycheck from walmart. It was no where near as much as I needed and I did give mom every penny that I could but she seemed kinda pissed that I did not have the $200 I still owe her from December nor the $500 total that I owe for January. How was she expecting me to give her that much when my check was only $236? Hell I gave her over half of it as it is. I am now hoping I have enough to keep gas in my pickup until I get my first paycheck from WIS. At least there will not be a laps in paychecks. But still it is going to take me a while to pay her off. Plus I still need to renew the insurance on my pickup again and renew my tags come March 1st. That is going to be almost $200 total to do it. And if I am going north I need my heat fixed in the pickup, am hoping the neighbor will do it for me. And I want to get a cap for the bed so I do not have to worry about what is in the backend of the truck.

God help me do what is right. If I am suppose to stay in this area then find me a job and an apartment.

Spike Fix

2009-01-03T20:35:00.007-05:00

My friends keep saying they LOVE James Marsters so I though I would post a few pictures I have of him here. Got to love Spike!!!!!!!

January 1, 2009

2009-01-01T18:42:00.002-05:00

So it is a new year, and I am hoping for a new start. There is a definition of insanity that seems to fit me to a tee. It is said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome. That seems to be the story of my life. Everytime I try to make my life work, it seems I am either sabatoging myself or people around me are doing it for me. I am sitting in an empty house at the moment. It seems that my mother, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew must have gone out to dinner. There is no extra money right now but there seems to be enough for them to leave the house. I was next door at the neighbors trying to get away from the stress and come home to them all gone. I can not even call cause my mother left her cellphone here. I guess I am really not welcome around here after all. Maybe it is time to figure out somewhere else to go and something else to do with my life.

December 31, 2008

2008-12-31T18:55:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year from my house to yours!

December 30, 2008

2008-12-30T16:51:00.002-05:00

So I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Mine was good. I wish my daughter could have been here but she has her dad upset with her and so he told her she could not come and visit. She knows to keep him happy but she is a teenager so.

I started to write a blog the other day about some stuff going on in my life but did not get a chance to finish it and now I am not even sure where it is lol. But today is definitely not a good day for me. Last night at work I got told it would be my last night. At least until there are some hours available and my assistant manager can get me rehired. He told me several times that I did nothing wrong, he had just been told by his boss to let me go. I was seasonal help and the holiday season is over. I am under direct orders to come back in tomorrow and resubmit my application so he can try and rehire me.

Today I was sitting here reading emails, sending IM's to a few new friends and basically just trying to stay out of the way as my sister decided it was time for her to do everyones laundry but mine. She does not like me, and aparently hates the fact that I am living here with our mom and grandfather. I am a drain on them and should go away. I do not pull my own weight, yadda yadda yadda. She came and snapped at me and asked what I did to her son cause he was throwing a 2 yr olds temper about me asking for a high 5 which he usually likes to do. Apparently I will not leave him alone and hound him none stop if he does not do what I ask of him. Which NO I do not do. But acording to her I do. I do pay my mom rent every 2 weeks when I get paid, and I am sorry but I seen the rental agreement my sister is drawing up for her and our mother I am suppose to pay more than she and her son are for staying here. Not only that but she is in my room and I am sleeping on the floor and not allowed to have anything out where it is in her way. This does not seem right to me. If I honestly had somewhere to go then I would at this point. But I have nowhere to go and no money to go anywhere if I had somewhere to go to start with.

Yes I do spend a lot of time in front of my laptop when I am not working, but I do everything mom asks of me without a problem, usually as soon as she asks it of me. I am usually the one doing the dishes and fixing dinner, since my sister got here she gets it done before I can get to it. So what am I suppose to do? I am so tired of not being good enough for anyone.

When I went out on my date Christmas Eve my sister was not happy about it. And when I got back my sister and mother were working on the Christmas cookies that I was going to make but my sister insisted had to be made when mom was home so she could participate. I was going to help decorate them and was informed I was not needed they had it covered. Mind you it was my idea and I paid for almost everything that went into them. But I was rude enough to have been asked out on a date and having the gull to go out and enjoy myself for the first time in I do not know how long. She has been snippy with me since then. I came home from work on Dec 26 and got some food and went next door to hang out and was informed a day or so later that I ate 1/2 of Christmas Dinner.

Ok have to stop for now my sister just walked into the house.

December 18, 2008

2008-12-18T00:06:00.003-05:00

Not good enough.

So I come home from tonight and I am in trouble yet again with my mother. I spent all day on Tuesday which was suppose to be my day off cleaning out the room I have been staying in so that my sister can have it with her son. But that was not good enough for my mom. She was mad cause I did not clean out all of her stuff that was still in the room also.

She swears that she does not have a favorite amongst her daughters but you can fooled me by the way things happen. This is not the first time she has done this either. I honestly think if I had somewhere to go she would make me leave. All I have heard for days on end is D@#$% this and D@#$% that, she will be so happy to have her here. She has spent weeks cleaning the house for her arrival, and not once was I asked if I had a problem giving up the space I pay for so that my little sister can live here with her son while her husband is away at basic.

At one point it looked like they would not be coming, and when that happened my mom sat in her chair and cried. When I was coming back, she did not clean out the room for me, no I had to try and put my stuff all around hers. She had no intention of making any room for me. I had to make due with what I could come up with. But for the baby, everything has to be emptied out and cleaned up so that it is just right.

We needed groceries the first of the month, and when I said something about us going together, she was too tired to go and I should go alone. I made the comment that if it was my little sister she would have gone, to that I got the finger. She has done that to me before, not the finger, but specifically making time to do something with my little sister when she does not have time to spend with me.

A few years ago, I was spending the winter in Connecticut and came down for Christmas. In the 3 weeks I was here not once did she have time to do anything with me, and I am suppose to understand that she has to work so that she can pay her bills. Yes I know this, I am not stupid. Yet when my sister comes to visit, mom takes extra time so that she can spend time with her. Yes in no way does my mother show favoritism to any of us, ya right. So much happens that it is no wonder, I feel like I am not good enough, nor can anything I do be good enough.

I spent hours working on my Christmas gifts for family members and last night my mom is like next time you do a blanket I will have to show you the right way to do the corners so they will look professional looking. Why did she not offer to help me do the corners while I was sitting putting them together to sew? She has to wait til I am almost done to tell me I am doing it wrong. NO ONE showed me anything, I am trying to figure it out on my own, and that is what I get told. Yes most of the time I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough for her, I know nothing I ever did was good enough for my dad before he died.

Two years ago this past October, my father was diagnose with colon-rectal cancer. By the following May he was gone. During that time, I went to truck driving school and then went to work driving truck. That was probably the only time in my life when he was ever proud of me. And now I am not even doing that, cause I want some kind of life besides being on the road all of the time. While my dad was sick, I took time off from work twice to be with him. During that time, he talked privately with my mom, and both of my sisters to apologize for things he did to them over the years. I am the only one that did not get any kind of apology. I guess I did not deserve one, even though he was always roughest on me.

My middle sister was my dad's daughter, my youngest sister is my mom's daughter, I am the one that has been left out. According to my mom, when I was little I was very independent and so apparently that means that as a grownup I am not suppose to need anything from her or anyone else. She does not understand in any way how hard it is for me to function most of the time. I am bi-polar and have no medication. With it also comes the fun of being suicidal. One of the best things about my life is my faith in God and the fact that it keeps me from doing anything about wanting to die, when I am feeling that way. But I do not think she has any idea what my life is like or the way I fight to appear happy and content. Or how many times I sit in this room and cry until I cannot see anymore because I hate my life. But I am not allowed to voice this to anyone, because I am suppose to be the strong and dependable one. Growing up I was the one that helped out at home and cooked and cleaned and made sure my sisters were ready for school.

December 17, 2008

2008-12-17T14:28:00.002-05:00

So I get sent home today from work, so that I can come back in at 5pm and work until 10 pm. Fun fun fun. But I really cannot complain at least I still have a job. And in an economy where finding a job is one of the hardest things a person can do I am happy to have my job. I spent a little over 2 months unemployed with no income coming in so this is a very good change for me.
My sister will be here in 2 days. I am both happy and sad about it. I will be glad to see her my brother-in-law and my nephew but I am not so happy about having to give up my living space for my sister and her son. They are actually going to be here for somewhere around 4 months, while my b-i-l is at basic training. This time is going to be really hard on my little nephew cause he is only 2 and has never had daddy gone for that long of a period of time. Add to that the fact that he is not going to be in his home he is use to and it will make things interesting to say the least. But he is a very good boy and I am sure he will adjust to it all well.
I am not sure what else to say at the moment so. Until next time.

December 16, 2008

2008-12-16T13:10:00.002-05:00

So as I was leaving for work yesterday, I checked the mail and found the best thing in the world, books that I had one. New books to read that I have not read before. I love getting new books to read. I love having books from authors that I have not read before. I have been reading a lot of e-books lately and it is so nice to be able to sit at my puter and read read read. Also to be able to look up a book from a link and just purchase it and be able to open it right away and read it.

On another subject, I have almost all of my stuff out of my room. My mom wants it empty today so that she can do the carpets tomorrow. I am hoping to get moved from temporary part time to permanent part time at least and hopefully full time. I make a decent hourly wage, but I just need the hours so I can keep paying my bills and still have a few dollars to spend on what I want. Oh well back to the emptying of my room. Nothing like paying rent to sleep on the floor.

December 14, 2008

2008-12-14T12:30:00.002-05:00

So I am days away from losing my room. My sister will be here sometime Friday and I found out yesterday that my mom wants all my stuff out of my room by Tuesday, so on my day off instead of getting to enjoy it(I had to work 6 days in a row and was looking forward to taking a little time for myself) I have to make sure all my stuff is either in the shed outside, or it is in the little space I am going to be allowed for the next 4 months in my mother's closet. I am looking forward to spending time with my nephew but am dreading the way my sister is going to try and run things once she gets here, I know she is going to try and dictate what I can watch on tv and such since she doesn't want her son exposed to most things. If it is not bad enough to lose the room that I am paying for, and yes I still am going to have to pay all of my rent but now instead of renting a room I am going to be renting a blowup mattress on my mothers bedroom floor. Sounds totally fair, RIGHT? HA It is my screwed up life.

The schedule is now up for the week after Christmas and I am going from 32 hours a week to 20 hours a week, this is going to make paying my rent really interesting. Oh well, maybe I will meet someone really sweet and find somewhere else to live. Who knows stranger things have happened.

December 07, 2008

2008-12-12T01:01:00.002-05:00

So I have finally found a job, at Wal-Mart. I am loving it.
I am sitting here fighting to keep from crying. My life sucks so much at times. In less than two weeks I have to give up my room for about 4 months while my baby sister and her son are here. They are coming to stay with us while her husband is in basic training. In many ways I am excited about them here, but on the other hand I am upset cause I have to give up my space while they are here. I am tired of feeling like I am the last person that anyone wants around. I know that my mother loves me, but at times it feels like I should not be around. I know that it is the bi-polar disorder talking but still, it is not easy. My mom is determined to have the whole house cleaned before she gets here, too bad I know she do not do anything like that when I was due to be here. Not only that, but when I got here I was lucky to get any space in the room I stay in, yet for my baby sister she is taking everything out of the room that has been in my way for the last few months. My mom swares that she does not have favorites, yet so many of the things she does tells me that she prefers time with my baby sister over time with me.
I am hoping to find someone in my personal life to help me do something for fun.

November 06, 2008 part 2

2008-12-12T01:01:00.001-05:00

I do not know how many of my friends know that I am bi-polar, but for those of you that did not, now you do. I am also without medication cause I do not have any insurance. To make matters worse, because I am not working I seem to be more susceptible to the effects of it. Meaning I am not doing good. I am spiralling downward. I am so sad and upset that it is not even funny. I sit here for hours trying to not cry or just giving in and crying. At times I have my life so much. I am so tired of being single, so tired of being alone, so tired of not being able to find a job. I just want a life of some kind. What is it about me that seems to make it so damn hard for anyone to want to be with me? I know I am not the best looking of ladies, but I am not ugly either. I am a very loving person and deserve to have someone in my life that loves me for me. So why can I not meet this person? Why is it that every guy I meet is either not interested in me or they are married? Someone give me some idea why please.

November 06, 2008

2008-12-12T01:00:00.001-05:00

I am sitting here at home wondering if I am going to find work or not. Christmas season is fast approaching and yet I am still without work. It really does suck when you try so hard to do what you should and still cannot find work to pay your bills. I am so thankful everyday that I have a mother as sweet and loving as mine is. It is not every parent that will allow their child to live at home when they are WAY over the age of 18 and not making any money. I have put in so many applications that while I was filling them out I thought that my hand was going to fall off. I know for a fact that I did 50+ in 2 days. That is a LOT of writting the same thing over and over and over again. In some ways it is easier when you are doing them online, cause of the strain on your hands. But also in many ways it is harder cause for every application you fill out they want you to do a personality test and they get real boring really fast. Yet still I keep filling them out and praying daily that something will come along so that I can pay my rent and other bills without having to resort to selling everything I own to put gas in my pickup. I am at least lucky enough that I do not have a car payment to make. Ok so that is my rant for today. Please keep praying that I will find the right job soon. Thanks, Dianna

October 30, 2008

2008-12-12T00:59:00.000-05:00

How do you explain to your wonderful loving mother that you are unhappy living with her after you all but begged her to let you stay there. She is not at fault, I am bi-polar and have no meds. I want to get back on my meds but I do not have any insurance to pay for them. I am looking into a shelter that also has medical, dental and vision available. If medical is available then I can get put back on my bi-polar medication. If I can stay on it then I will do better in any job that I try to do.

I know that it is not helping me any to not have a job to go to every day, or at least several days a week. I want to be able to pay my bills and to be able to purchase things that I want to have.

I have an interview on Monday for a job working Guest Services at the local mall, and I was joking about the only down side I could see to it would be the fact that the kiask is located right next to Books-a-Million. I love to read and there are many books that I would love to read. Her answer was I need to learn to not spend money. I can not believe that she said that. I know that I need to save money, hell there are things that I want that I must save for.

I made dinner last night and she informed me I fucked it up cause I did not follow the directions exactly. I do not like bland baked beans, yes I did end up putting too much molasses into them but it just means that I can not eat a lot of them. Apparently they were not that bad caused my grandfather took them for dinner again today when he ate them for dinner last night and he HATES leftovers. The other night I made a lemon pepper pork loin and was informed she didn't like it cause it tasted like lemon pepper and not like straight pork. So now I can not make it again cause she will not eat it. She prefers a strong pork flavor and nothing to cover that flavor. Apparently I am wrong for liking different things.

I honestly do not think that she realizes that some of the things she says hurts so much. I need to do something that can help me to become a better person. I want to be able to take care of myself. The longer I am here in a small room the more I wonder if I can figure out how to live on my own. I want to be able to do what is best for me.

My life is so messed up, and it is all my own fault. I screwed up my life, there is so much that I regret that I have done. So much that I wish that I could go back and change. I miss my daughter and I want to be back with my first husband. It was not my choice to split up. We did not have much of a chance and as long as he allows others to make choices for him we never will. I could be fooling myself to think that he would want me back, but it could happen if it is meant to be. If not then I pray that God will help me deal with that.

My mind is going crazy. I need to decide what is the best thing for me to do. Does anyone have any ideas. Please, Thanks

October 24, 2008

2008-12-12T00:58:00.002-05:00

So I got a job, but I so do not like it. I am doing inventory control and the hours suck and I am not getting any days to speak of. I only got to work 2 days this week and I am not scheduled at all for next week as of yet. I have gone to several job interviews and I am seriously hoping that one of them will call me back for a regular job with regular hours. Last night while at work, I fell and hit my head and I tried to keep working but after about an hour or so I was so sore that I could not continue. Consequently I was stuck sitting for hours waiting for everyone else to get done cause I was in Tampa without any transportation of my own. The work is fast paced and they expect you to do so much for not much money. They do pay for transportation time but it is only at minimum wage, and I noticed they do not pay for the whole time just what it "should" take to get there and back. I just want to work a normal job with normal type hours. I want to try and have a life. It is so not going to happen if I am working all hours and have no idea how much money I will have from week to week.
So please pray for me that I will find the right job and soon so that I can be happy with my life. Thanks.

October 08, 2008

2008-12-12T00:58:00.001-05:00

Talk about putting in a large amount of applications, I have put in 50 applications on Monday and Tuesday of this week. I am seriously hoping that I will get a job out of all of them apps. It would really suck if I filled in all of them and no one is interested in me. My unemployment got turned down, cause they say I am $880 short of how much I need cause I voluntarily left Werner. I cannot believe it, it is just my luck to not be able to get unemployment when I would get a decent amount of money each week. I figure if I can find at least seasonal work for the winter then I will have enough money in credits to be able to get unemployment in January. Then I can spend the time to find another decent job and hopefully will not have to go north for the summer. I really wanna settle down and maybe even start to date someone, I am so tired of being single all of the time.
So please pray for me to find something that will give me enough hours in order to pay my bills and not have to go back north if I do not want to in March. Thanks

September 28, 2008

2008-12-12T00:57:00.002-05:00

So, I am at home and looking for work. I really do hate when you put in a large number of applications and cannot even get an interview. I have put in close to 20 applications in the last few weeks. I really do wish that I could find something so that I will not have to keep sitting here at my mothers house not doing anything. It drives me crazy not having anything to do. I am not even a writer, if I could at least do that then I would have something to do. I can not even get going on a short story. The best that I can do is to from time to time write in a blog. Hell even that does not really get read.

If you do read this then please pray that I can find a job and a good one soon. Thanks Dianna

September 18, 2008

2008-12-12T00:57:00.001-05:00

I just read that Lover’s Talisman by Ashleigh Raine is coming out in paperback on November 25. I am looking forward to being able to read it. You can find out more about it on http://www.ashleighraine.com/

September 05, 2008

2008-12-12T00:56:00.001-05:00

So I am now days away from being done with work, and it does look like I am going to my mother's house. That is fine with me I just wish that a certain man in my life would make up his damn mind if he wants to be in my life or not. I messaged him the other night and got one back from him that said he would have to ask his new girlfriend if I could come down there. Apparently he has been seeing someone new for like 2 weeks. And he needs to ask permission????? That don't sound good already. Things could get interesting if she thinks she is going to try and run my daughters life cause my daughter is sooooooooooooo not going to put up with that. But we will see what happens when I get home next week.

August 09, 2008

2008-12-12T00:55:00.002-05:00

Like I have said I am really bad about writting. so anyway. I am just a few weeks out from being done with work and yet I still dont know if I am going to my mothers or if my ex is going to have me come down there and stay with him and our daughter. We talk on the phone from time to time and still I have no idea about exactly what it is he wants of me. Does he want a relationship or not. Why can men not just decide and let us know what is going on? Why do they have to make our lives more dificult than it already is???
So like I said I am almost done with the season and yet I have NOTHING saved up to use for this winter. I really do need to get better at putting money away. But at least I haven't wasted as much this year as I have in the past on stuff like motel rooms to get away for a day or two. I dont think I will ever stop purchasing movies and books to read so in that aspect I am just plum out of luck, although I have not purchased as much as I would have liked to so I am at least trying to behave myself.

May 28, 2008

2008-12-12T00:55:00.001-05:00

Why is it that people will come to you and ask for assistance but they look at you funny when you need it returned. I am a very open and loving person and if there is a problem I am usually the first one to lend a hand in any way I can. The other night a good friend of mine came to me cause she needed $50 to bail her daughter out of jail. I happened to have it in my pocket but she was told that I HAD to have it back right away because I was going in today to get a tattoo for my dad who died a year ago this month. On Monday I reminded her that I really needed the money and she said she would go and borrow it from her boss so that I could have it back. Last night when I said something to her, she was like "my boss said to talk to her in the morning and I havent seen her all day" So now I had to go to someone else and borrow some money myself so that I wont have to miss my appointment today to get my angel. It really pisses me off that it seems to me like I am taken for granted, just cause at times I might have a lil bit of extra money in my pocket does not mean I can afford to just give away cash and not have it returned. I am just about at the point that I am going to tell everyone to go away and leave me alone cause I am done with ppl that can ask for things but never return them. It is plain wrong and I guess I am too nice most of the time. Oh well that is my rant for now. Have a good day

May 25, 2008

2008-12-12T00:54:00.002-05:00

It is now sunday night and it has actually been a pretty good weekend. It would look a whole lot better if there wasnt things I needed to purchase that keeps taking my money out of my pocket and checking account. But that is life. I have this strong attraction to eating on a regular basis, and paying my bills so that I can keep driving my truck and getting online to talk to my friends. I am also looking at getting a new phone so that is going to cost me some money there. I also have an appointment on Wednesday to get a tattoo done for my dad who pasted away on May 19, 2007. It is something that my father and I discussed while he was sick. My father who HATES tattoo's and thinks they are a waste of money actually put his 2 cents in on what he thought I should have done for him as a memorial. That was something in and of itself. So on Wednesday I go see my tattoo artist in Shelton, Ct ( www.tat2duck.com ) to get the angel for my father done. I have also been trying to purchase stuff to at least make sandwiches so that I am not spending quite as much as I usually do on food for each day. We will see how well that works out for me lol.

My bosses have had 2 people in my ticket box this weekend and it has cut down greatly on how much I can bring in for myself since I have to basically split all the buisness with someone else. I am personally pretty fast with the selling of tickets and making change so I dont see why I have needed and additional person in the box with me, its not like its been so busy that I needed the help to keep up. There are days when it is so busy for a time that I would really appreciate some assistance for a time, but of course that isnt going to happen lol. Its all or nothing.

So as for my personal life, ha ha ha, as if I have a personal life. All I do is work then go to my room and watch a movie on my laptop while I am doing some needlepoint on a tablecloth I actually started 2 years ago when I last worked for Coleman Brothers Shows. I think I put it up cause of driving Truck OTR and that I really didnt have the time to sit down and relax with anything like that. I also havent really made any afgans since I got my CDL. I think that is one of the reasons I was so happy to be able to come back here and do this kind of work again cause I now have the time to actually relax and get something done that I enjoy.

I keep hoping that I will hear something from my Ex-husband that could be considered good news. Hell I would love to finish up here for the summer and move in with him and our daughter at least for the winter. I should really talk to him about that and see what he has to say on giving it a trial run that way. If things dont work out I will be gone again in the spring, if they do work out then I can either stick around or he can wait patiently while I go back to work lol. Oh well, it is in God's hands and only He knows what the future has in store for me.

Hope you are all safe and enjoying your life, hope to hear from some of you soon. Love all my friends. Til next we talk or see each other "May God Bless You and All That You Touch" Dianna

May 22, 2008

2008-12-12T00:54:00.001-05:00

It is cold here, and so dead its not even funny. I am really hoping that this weekend will be a whole lot better. I went down to Shelton Ct today to speak to my tattoo artist about getting a tattoo for my father who died a year ago this week. It is going to look so kewl, i can hardly wait til next week when i go back down there and get it done.

I went to see Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian. It was a really good movie. I can hardly wait for it to come out on dvd so that i can go and pick it up to add to my dvd collection. I am also looking forward to the new Harry Potter movie coming out to the theater. I really hope it comes out soon so i can see how the next book is played out on the big screen.

My favorite author, Laurell K Hamilton, has the next book in her Anita Blake series coming out on Tuesday(Blood Noir) and i can hardly wait. I will most likely spend the entire day reading it, lol. It will be interesting to see what else is going to happen to Anita and all of her men. If you havent read anything by Laurell K Hamilton then you really should. It falls under Sci-Fi/Horror and will have you glued to the book til you are finished with each one. Blood Noir is like the 16th book in this series. And it gets better with each book she writes.

Ok since there really isnt anything else going on right now i am going to sign out and will talk to my friends later. Keep the faith and God will provide for your needs. Love Dianna

May 21, 2008

2008-12-12T00:53:00.002-05:00

So like i have said before i am really bad at keeping up with this thing. But maybe now that will change (if i can remember to post that is).

So like i have left Werner Enterprises. The company itself is a good company inspite of what so many ppl say. I liked working for them, the pay just isnt that great, but the miles were good until i did not wish to become a trainer. I also had one too many lil accidents happen and was told that if i had one more i would be terminated. Then not 2 weeks later i was parked and some guy hit my trk. Yes i know that technically it was not my fault, but still, it scared me to death on top of the "if anything else happens..." So when i got home for my home time the first of May i unloaded my rig and let them know that i was quitting. I then packed up my pickup and headed back to Connecticut and to Coleman Brothers Shows.

I am back to being a carnie and selling tickets. I still get to use my cdl which is what is important to me. But its still a major headache. If you have never done this kind of work imagine being stuck in a lil box for hours on end with nothing to do but what you bring with you and not being able to take a break unless someone comes to releave you. The good side to it is i make some really good money most of the time. I know so many ppl out here. In so many ways this is home. Dont get me wrong, i would still give it up in a heartbeat if it meant i could be with my ex-husband Michael and our daughter Claire Marie all the time.

Speaking of Michael, i heard today that he finally broke up with the witch he was dating/living with last night. whoooooooooooot. Too bad i have no idea what that will mean for him and me and the future. My prayers are still that him and i can work something out between us. I have been alone a very long time. I sure would like to have someone that i can count on to be there for me on a daily basis. Hell for him i would get a Monday to Friday 9-5 job, which is the kind of work that i usually hate so much. But love will have you doing strange things.

Well, we are open now and it looks like it is going to rain so i am going to close this out for now.

May God bless all of my friends and may He grant you, your hearts truest desire. Love Dianna

February 17, 2008

2008-12-12T00:53:00.001-05:00

So i am sitting here in Springfield, OH. I have put the truck in the shop for some minor repairs that were starting to get on my nerves. I have a wire harness problem with my left front headlight. My passenger door needs a new seal its like ridding with the window open all of the time and if the wind is blowing just right you can feel it blow in through the door. I also have the small problem that my check engine light will not go out.
I am also on my 3rd student in just about a week. The first one was sick and had to go home. The second one got homesick and jumped truck so she could go home and find a regular job that would allow her to be home every night. We will see how this one does. If it keeps up like this then i will probably just stop trying to train again. It is crazy neither of the first two could shift a truck at all. I hope this one does better.
I am still trying to figure out just what I am suppose to do about Michael. That situation that just drives me totally up a wall. Will keep you all up as things progress.
Pray for me and mine that all will go as God wishes it to go.

February 11, 2008

2008-12-12T00:52:00.001-05:00

My life is so screwed up it is not even funny. I spent an amazing weekend with my daughter and ex-husband, yet I still have no idea where I stand about anything that is going on. I have to sit and try and be patient while he has some girl living with him that he says he does not love and he says his relationship is over with, yet he will not have her leave. He continues to live with her and for all I know he is still sleeping with her and having sexual relations with her. What makes him think that she will leave of her own free will as long as he is paying all of her bills and doing things to make her think that there is still a chance that they can somehow work things out. Meanwhile, I sit here working my butt off and I do not know if i am worth anything to anyone or not. So now I will just back away and wait til he decides what he wishes to do. I pray daily he decides he wishes to be with me and for us to be a family.

February 04, 2008

2008-12-12T00:51:00.002-05:00

OK, so I got the have my weekend with my ex and my daughter and it went really really well. with one small exception. On Saturday night i went into a manic depressive mood cause i started thinking about the fact that it was going to be over soon and i still didn't know where I stood in everything and I did not want it to end at all. Well it sure did not help anything out that is for sure. But it does look as if a decision was reached about our daughter and where she will be living from now on. She came out and asked her father if she could come back to live with him. He told her that he would have to go home and make some phone calls to set things up. I am hoping he told her that he would be back to get her really soon. She so did not want to go back to that house. She also came out and told him a lot of things about what has been going on in the house and why it bothers her. I think it was a lot for him to digest. I am hoping that he will call me if he needs someone to talk to about all of the things that he is now thinking about. I want to talk to him so badly but i do not want to push him either. So instead I just sit here worrying and wondering if anything will actually happen. I also wonder if he has decided he does not want anything to do with me, or if I am still stuck in a holding pattern while he gets his life straightened out. I would really like to go down there and beat the crap out of the girl he has living there and make her go away and let him be. Hell I do not know if he is telling me the truth about anything or if he is lieing to me to make himself feel better. I really just wish that I had some idea of it all that would help me out so damn much. I am just scared and lost and have no idea what to do.

God please help me to get through the coming times and to be able to make it through without going crazy. Let Ur will be done in all things in my life.

February 01, 2008

2008-12-12T00:51:00.001-05:00

So like this weekend i am getting together with my ex and our daughter for the weekend in Orlando. I think it is going to be so much fun. I can hardly believe that it is going to happen much less that there is a chance that him and i could be getting back together. This weekend will be the first step to see if we can make something work. I messaged him this evening to find out some things for tomm, and i got told he couldn't talk right now they are fighting again. I do believe that it seems like almost all they do anymore is fight, and it seems to be over me and Claire Marie a lot of the time. In some ways i wish that i could tell her that all she is going to do by not wanting him to talk to me when we have a daughter together is make him mad all that much faster and drive a bigger wedge between the two of them. But if she is willing to do so then who am i to stop her from making it all that much more likely that him and i will end up together anyway.

Oh well i have to keep this entry short n sweet since it is already 1 am and i have to be up at 7 am so. Wish me luck with this weekend and keep us in ur prayers. You know that you are in mine if you are my friend. I love you all and wish that i could talk to you more often on the phone.

Til next time.

Dianna has left the building

January 13, 2008

2008-12-12T00:50:00.002-05:00

So anyway, i am still stuck in Casper, Wyoming and will be fore the rest of today and part of tomorrow. I will be so happy when my trk is finished so I can get back out on the road and make some money. I needed a couple of days off but this is going to drive me crazy with no one to talk to and nothing to really do. I hate being bored.
In so many ways I am looking forward to the weekend I am suppose to spend with my ex-husband and our daughter. I just wish that it was happening right now instead of in the future. But then I have never been very good at waiting for what I want. I hope and pray we don't end up hurting our daughter by giving her false hope on what is going to happen between her father and myself. I also do not want to get hurt by hoping for more than will actually happen. I just have a really good feeling about all of it. May God help us all in what we are trying to do. She so wants to see her mom and dad together. It would mean so much and would help her so much. Plus then I would know for sure that she is being taken care of. I am so tired of having to worry about her all the time and not being able to go see her or call her to find out just how she is doing. She also deserves to be praised for the good things she is doing. She made A/B Honor Roll and my sister and her husband had the audacity to say that its not real grades and to go to the school to make sure the teachers are not padding her grades. The girl gets told to work harder to bring her grades up and when she does she gets told they do not count anyway. The only thing my sister and her husband are worried about is their new baby. They don't even seem to care any about her son that is 12 almost 13 and needs their love and attention. It hurts so much to have her unhappy all the time. They will promise her stuff and then never do what they have promised.

January 12, 2008

2008-12-12T00:50:00.001-05:00

Like I said in the last blog, I have been spending time talking with my ex-husband. It seems so weird to be on the phone talking to him and hearing that I am not the only one with unresolved feelings. Tonight when he was getting ready to log off of the puter, I told him that I do still love him, and he told me that he still loves me too. I really do hope that we get to spend the weekend together soon. I believe we have decided to just get a hotel room and spend some quality time getting to know each other and our daughter again. In so many ways, I just wish that he would make a decision on all the things we have talked about. I so want to know exactly where I stand in his mind, heart, and feelings. I know where he stands with me. The hardest thing in the world is for me to try and be patient until after we have at least had the weekend together with our daughter. My mind is racing in so many directions right now its not even funny. I don't know if I can even get to sleep tonight. I want to be with him so darn much its not even funny. I don't know what to do other than what I have been doing. I do not want to push him in anyway, but I want to know that Claire and I are important enough to him for him to do what is needed to be with us. If we do get back together and she does come to live with us again, it will be the first time we have been together as a family since before she was born. I just do not know what else I can do to make sure I can get through until a decision is made.

January 09, 2008

2008-12-12T00:49:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the most unusual things have been happening the last week or so. When i went home for Christmas i got to see my daughter which was so nice. Well she no longer wishes to live with my sister, but my sister wont let her go anywhere else because she would lose out on like $ 800 a month in child support that at the moment her and her husband are using to support them and my sisters son and their infant son also. I mean come on my brother-in-law is more than capable of working he is just to damn lazy to go out and get a job. So anyway, we were trying to find a way to get a hold of my daughters father, my ex-husband, so that my daughter could let her dad know that she is unhappy where she is. We did make contact with him, but still needed for her to talk to him herself to voice her opinion on the whole situation. Unfortunately, before anyone could get her on the phone with him where my sister and her husband could not hear the conversation, Mike came up to see Claire. Because of the fact that every time Claire says anything about wanting to maybe go anywhere else she gets punished she was afraid to let her dad know that she wanted to leave. In all this, i have tried to keep my mouth shut since my ex and i don't exactly have the best of past history's. After the visit i figured what did i have to lose so i called him myself and spoke to him for over an hour about the whole situation. Now it looks like we might be getting together face to face with our daughter, so that we can
1. spend some quality time with her which we have not done in i don't know how long
2. talk about her 16th birthday which is just around the corner and exactly what we might wanna do for that special day.
With all that has been going on we have talked a lot lately. I am not sure exactly what will happen but it looks like we may be trying to mend a few bridges that really should be mended. Pray that God's will be done and that everything will work out in the end. thanks

December 31, 2007

2008-12-12T00:48:00.002-05:00

Ya, i know i am really bad about stopping everything to make an entry. It's not that i don't wanna it's just that i am usually so busy i don't have time to write anything down. I love working for Werner. They have kept me pretty busy. I got to be home for a week at Christmas which was really kewl i think. I have been in the snow, chased the snow, been chased by the snow. that i am really hoping that i don't have to see any for a lil while yet . I now believe i have been to almost every state in the Union with the exception of North Dakota and Rhode Island I am still so single it is not even funny, I am beginning to think that i am never going to have anyone to spend my life with that i wanna spend that much time with at least. I have made some great friends, just no one i could see being with for years and years. At least not anyone that is ready for a relationship with anyone else yet. I still have the biggest crush on someone but I am being patient until he is ready and hoping that when he is ready he will remember that he has a good friend that is interested in being more than a friend. God willing we will see what happens.

My daughter wants to move in with my mom and out of my sisters house. Things are getting really bad there, it is progressively getting worse and worse. Please pray that her father will allow her to go stay at my moms where she will be safe and a whole lot happier.

To all my friends who might actually read this i will strive my best to get online here more often and let you know what is going on in my boring life as i travel the country working for Werner Enterprises If you are interested in hearing more than just message me and i can tell you more about how it works and if it might be worth it to you to come on over here and work. Til then Have a Happy New Year and drive safe.

September 20, 2007

2008-12-12T00:48:00.001-05:00

Hello again from the cab of my Peterbilt, whooooot. Not a bad trk just not a whole lot of overhead storage in it, but i can survive with this.

So i got my trk on Friday and drove home. Loaded my junk into it on Saturday so that i could leave out on Sunday. First, so everyone will understand, Werner is a force-dispatch company. That means i do not get the option of saying no to a load. Big change from Swift but it is ok. So i get my load on Sunday, short run, pick up in Jacksonville and take to Albany, GA. Cake walk right, no problem. Picked it up and took off for Albany. I get there the place isnt even open until Monday morning. So i park for the night and get some sleep. Which if you know me is a good thing since i dont tend to sleep much when i am at home cause i am never home for very long and i am usually running around like mad tryin to get stuff done. I get up bright and early to deliver. Only the only way into the place from the direction i am coming is to cross over a hard packed area in the medium that is obviously used for just that. So of course its monday and what happens but a darn cop comes by so i start my new job with a new ticket. Just my frackin luck.

So i get unloaded, and i cannot get the darn hood open on this trk. It has a secondary latch for the passanger side. That is unfortunately new for me. So i had to go to peterbilt and have them show me how to open the hood so i can check the oil.

I get that done then go back to the trk stop so that i have a "safe place" to park. I sit there for like 3 1/2 hours waiting on the next load. All cause I had to go to Peterbilt about the darn hood. So it is to be picked up in Rome, GA. I also need to go by the terminal in the Atlanta area so that i can get a package that was forwarded to me from Omaha. I get to the terminal and they take my trailer away cause for some reason i have no brake lights on my trailer, my hazards work but not my brake lights. So we try to get the trailer looked at and fixed for me to take in the am, but the night shift didnt even look at it. So morning comes and I now need a new trailer, and of course, just like at Swift, there are NO empty trailers on the yard that are not in need of being fixed lol. After waiting from 7:30 am til noon i finally get told to just bobtail over per the planner to pick up at Kellogg's. I drive all the way over there, only to get told that without an empty they will not release my load, great. Now i message back to my dispatcher that i HAVE to have an empty or they wont let me have my load so i get directions to go pick one up. SOUTH of Atlanta. I am like 66 miles north of Atlanta now and i am going to drive south of Atlanta to pick up an empty trailer. Go figure they couldnt have had me do this at 10:30 am when i was ready to go. So i drive down and make it back to the shipper at like 9:30 pm. No one is around. I wait for almost an hour for someone to come out so that i can get my trailer inspected and drop it in a door since they were waiting on it anyway. I pick up my loaded trailer and do my loaded call and take off for the closest trk stop. I am exhausted and have been up since like 7:30 am. When i finally get to stop it is like midnight. What a long day.

Now I havent told you the best part, guess where this load is heading to. Brampton, ON. Yes to Canada. GO figure. I call Canadian Briefing so that i can find out just what i have to do in order to cross the border. Not hard just fax in some paperwork and then when i get to Michigan stop to get the truck and trailer inspected and make like 2 more stops before i get to the border. No problem, right, wrong. My directions have me going to the border before i stop for my inspections and gettin whatever else it was i needed to cross. So I dont figure this out til i am AT the border crossing. Thank the Good Lord that my paperwork had been preprocessed so i was good to cross. I pull into the Ambassador's Bridge just as my hours run out last night. I call Canadian Briefing to tell them what happened. They are like well i dont know what we are suppose to do, contact ur dispatcher. So i call night dispatch and talk to a sweet guy (wish i hadnt been so upset and had gotten his name). He says it happens dont fret he messaged some ppl to see if we can be good to go anyway. Says they are suppose to contact me in the am, get some sleep.

I do actually sleep. wake up and no messages. So i message into my dispatcher tryin to explain what happened. what do i get "call canadian briefing" well duhhhh i already did last night. but i call again, this time the lady was rude, like i did it on purpose. So i let my dispatcher know that i called and i am going across. I get across without a problem. Finally find where i am suppose to stop just across the border to check in and make sure all my papers are in order. Good thing i did cause the lady at the border did NOT stamp my paperwork. But i was able to get it stamped without a problem. I take off for my final stop. Now it was suppose to be delivered at 1pm, i told the dispatcher last night its not going to be on time.

I am almost to my drop and i make a darn wrong turn, so i go down and i am going nope this is not right, i finally get to a point where i HAVE to turn around, i end up doing so in this lil parking lot that from the street looked like i could have just driven around and back out the other side but NOOOOOOOO there are trailers parked in the middle so i have to try and back the damn thing up where i am. And of course the tree on the passenger side didnt like me gettin into its way so it broke my passenger side door mirror. I mean it broke the mirrors and the case. just my luck.

So i finally get here at 5 pm. And of course they wont take me and tell me to contact my dispatcher for a new appointment. So that is where i am at, sitting at the consignee waiting for a new appointment and i have to take the trk to the pete dealer here in town so they can replace the mirrors and casing so i can legally cross back into the Good Ole US of A.

I really hope i dont have to come up here again, but at least if i do now i have done so and i have a better idea of just what i need to do in order to come across. Will be glad when the first of the year gets here and you will have to have a passport in order to come here at all. Even when i get mine i am so not going to tell them i have it.

Well be safe and have a good time while you are out there

love Dianna a.k.a T*R*O*U*B*L*E

September 11, 2007

2008-12-12T00:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this is what is going on with me now. I am leaving SWIFT, actually i have left and just haven't told them yet. Go figure i am chicken about it. I will be calling in tomm to let my Driver Manager know that i am leaving. I have already gotten another job, with Werner Enterprises. I am hoping and praying that it will be a good move for me. I have wanted to work for them for a good long time.

Other than that there isn't much going on. I go in tomm to get a trk. I will definitely be keeping everyone updated about what is going on and where i am and if things are going well or not.

As always, May God bless You and Keep You safe in all You do. Love Dianna

September 02, 2007

2008-12-12T00:45:00.002-05:00

Ok this is my chance to rant and rave. I will appologize right now if any of this seems mean pregidicial or any of the sort. It is not my intention, but at the moment it is how i feel. I do seriously appologize to anyone that the things i am about to say does NOT fit. I do know that not all men and not all black men are the same. I have met and know some wonderful men of all nationalities. And enjoy their friendship and hope to keep it in the future.

BUT:

I am sick and tired of fucking men that think they are ENTITLED to say and do anything they damn well please just cause they are male. My current student is not only male (i actually prefer to teach men when they are willing to take advise and critisism from a female in an authority position), but he is also of the African-American nationality.

On THursday, i knew we were goin to get to our first drop on this Sears load way before morning and after stopping for dinner i knew we were maybe 2 hours from our first location. So i ask tyrone nicely to stay up the next two hours with me while i drive us in since he would be able to sleep the rest of the night. Silly me didnt get an answer from him and he figured he didnt have to do what i asked so as soon as we get back into the trk he closes the curtains again and goes back to bed. Now i am a lil irritated cause it seems that whenever he isnt behind the wheel he is sleeping. No matter how much sleep he has already gotten he seems to need more. We get to the town we are suppose to drop at and i have to wake him up to help read me the directions since it is midnight and i am gettin tired. He didn't seem really happy to have to help me out. Then i back go to back it into the dock and have him get out to watch and make sure i dont hit anything, then he stands there while i hit the curb and didn't know there was one there so it surprised me and i had to pull forward til i seen what it was i hit. I said something to him about it would have been nice to let me know it was just a curb. He was like i was watching back here since the building was really close.

On Friday, i was woken to him slamming the tandems to move them so that our first drop could get some stuff off of the very back of the trailer. No big deal that happens. But then i asked him, specifically, if he had sent the Macro 10 like i told him to the night before. He replied that he had. I was happy at that moment kewl I dont have to worry about it. I then asked him to clean the windshield with windex and papertowels. He wanted to wait til we got to a trk stop. One problem, we are under a Sears load and it is in Montana, hello this is Montana there isnt much out here to start with. LOL. I said there was no guarantee that we would find a trk stop before our next drop and besides we prolly wouldnt have time to stop anyway. So he goes out and cleans the windshield and actually does a great job at it, again i am happy it looks good and i tell him so. I check the qualcomm for something and notice there wasn't a Macro 10 sent this morning he had sent a Macro 50 which we have been told not to use since it does not register in the puter. So i tell him that, his answer is that it works just fine to update your hours. Gee I thought i was the mentor here, not him.

Well then we are driving down the highway and are almost to our exit for our next stop when he moves over and i was like "uhhhhhh, this is our turn coming up". I was then informed its not what i say its how i say it. Apparently i said uhhhhhhh wrong, or he didnt like me saying it at all.

I didnt say anything to him right away about what he said but it did start to bug me. Then i got to thinkin about the fact that he doesnt spend a penny on the food that gets put in the trk. I purchase everything that goes into the trk for food, and he eats more of it then i do. Not to mention he will not buy ice for the cooler that keeps our drinks cold. But he sure seems to like having something cold to drink.

So we get to our second drop of the day and i am goin to take over so that if we can get another load once this one was done he can drive after midnight again. What does he do, he goes to bed, hell he only drove like 2 hours and only worked maybe 4 hours after sleeping all the day before and all night. I can understand taking a nap in case he had to drive but he closed the curtains and did not open them again until i woke him up at 11:45 pm.

So after i finished delivering that load, i messaged in to ask where they wanted me to wait for the next load since i was out in the middle of no where. And would they please get my another load to keep me rolling. They did, thankfully. So i drive back down to the town that the second drop was in since that is where i am to pick up the new load. I then drive til its almost midnight and find a safe place to pull over so we can change places. He drives it the rest of the whole 181 miles the load was, lol. He is all done by 3:30 am. What does he do, instead of buggin the hell out of Ocala til they found us another load, I wake up at 8:00am or so to find him stretched out across the front seats of the trk and my cooler. I get the qualcomm quietly so as to not disturb him and look for any messages about a load. Nope, nothing. Not even an answer to my message for another load at 2:30 am when we got to the drop location. I send in a message to get them to try and find us another load. I then boot up my puter to play a game and pass the time. After a while i call the terminal to help things along and they manage to get me a load. Yes and on a holiday weekend. I will live with it at least i am not sitting still. But since its not due till Tuesday i figure this is a good chance for my student to get some more driving in and make the trip last. He drives til he is almost out of hours for the day then i take over for 2 hours to get us to where i wanna stop for the night.

We stopped there the other day for dinner and the food was really good, so why not stop again for the night where i know i like the food. And again as soon as we get back into the trk he closes the curtains and lays down to go to sleep. By this time i am really irritated so i was like "Tyrone can u not stay awake for one hour til we get to where we are going to call it a night" he was like well if you need me then i can. I asked him how is he suppose to learn anything if as soon as he finishes driving he closes the curtains and goes to sleep????? He informs me that he has told me he likes to take a nap during the day.

So I get to where we are going and go in for dinner, i am starving i havent eaten all day. I come out like 2 or 3 hours later to him again still in bed. He has the radio playing on music that i cannot stand and I am tired of listening to his music so when i came back i changed the station. He was like I was listening to that, i told him it gave me a headache. I sat down on my bed to read since i had just finished eating dinner inside the trk stop, and he got down off of his bed and went inside. I decided then that enough is enough and i am going to confront him when he finally comes back out. I called to talk to a couple of my friends about it and decide i am right to confront him about it.

When he finally comes out hours later i am busy trying to clean the trk up. He just climbs in as if he is going to get right back into bed and go back to sleep. So here i go with the one thing i cannot stand, confronting someone on something that is irritating me. I ask him, do you like having cold juice to drink? he was like yes. so i say would it hurt you to purchase some ice for the cooler then?? Now i realize he sends damn near every penny he makes home to help support his kids, but i am really gettin tired of him not contributing to the trk. It is NOT my responisbility to make sure he eats, or gets fluids. And i am tired of paying for it all. So i try talking to him. He seems to be listening. I say something about him lying to me about the macro 10 and he just looks at me. (God help me but i hate that blank stare that says they are so not listening to what i am saying, and that what i have to say means nothing to them anyway) I go on about what i have to say, and he makes all the right noises. He informs me that if i would ask he would get ice. I told him i have asked him before to pick up ice and he just blew me off. He dont answer to that one. I think that he has listened to me and wants to get along. Ohhhh was i wrong.

So today, he gets up to drive again and goes inside. Now last night i just asked him to get some ice for the cooler, yet he dont purchase any at all, he doesnt even empty the garbage, which is now full from me cleaning the trk. Hello he is living in the trk too. So i close the curtains and go back to sleep after a while. Hell i am tired too. If its good enough for him then its good enough for me. A couple of hours pass and i have to go to the bathroom so i ask him to stop so i can. While there i pick up a bag of ice. Again the trash is full yet he makes no move to empty it. He does help me drain part of the water out of the cooler, then we sit it back down and i go to straighten up the cooler so i can find stuff while i am driving and he just grabs at the ice to rip open the bag as if to just dump it in. I was like whoooooo let me straighten it up first. He again informes me that its not what i say but how i say it. I wanna tell him to go screw himself, but i didnt.
But i did say can u at least throw out the fuckin garbage. That did it. I cussed. He informs me no he wont he didnt fill it up i did last night, and so i can throw it away. So i pull it out to take out and he sticks it back in the can. Well move then. I throw it out the door so i can get out to put it in can outside. He was like then there it will stay. I told him to move out of my way. I went and threw it away. I got back and he informs me he has had enough he will drive the trk these last 2 weeks but he isnt going to speek to me unless it is work related. Damn that is so going to hurt my feelings.

I have just about had enough. I told my mom today that i dont intend to take another student, yet i dont know. Stupid me, i am a glutton for punishment. I will tell Dee when they get me a bigger trk then i will try to take on another student but until then i at least need a break for a couple of weeks. I am so tired of ppl thinkin they should get special treatment cause of who they are.

Now i have done my best to treat him with respect and get along with him. I dont know what else to do. I am NOT going to change the person i am just to please someone that i prolly wont see again once he is off of my trk anyway. oh well i think i am done ranting for now.

Be safe my friends and i look forward to running into you some where so we can have lunch or dinner or just something to drink and talk face to face.

August 23, 2007

2008-12-12T00:45:00.001-05:00

Dude if its not one thing its another, roflmao. I either find men that would never ever be interested in me ( which hurts like hell, everyone tells me i am a very sweet person, just cause they only see skin deep not my fault, but it still hurts ), or they are so not ready for anything. Never sure if that is a line or if it really is the truth some times. Having been through hell myself i can understand how it can be when things go bad. So anyway I asked someone out, hopin for maybe dinner and some nice company, nuthin more. And find out He isnt interested in anything at the moment. I really do hope its the truth and not just a line to "let me down easy" cause i really n truly hate lies from ppl. Who knows maybe in a couple of months he will decide he can handle having dinner or something with someone and remember that i asked him out. I would just like to be able to go out and have a lil fun when i am not on the trk working. It seems like all i ever do is work work work.
So about work (lmao) i have a new student, Tyrone J. He loves to drive (thank the Good Lord) and wants to work n learn. I may actually get to finish this one (knock on wood really really hard). Would be nice for a change to maybe be out of debt and making some money to bring home. Work on payin off some of these bills that ppl are hounding me about all of a sudden.
Now if only i could find someone willin to just go out and have a lil fun then maybe i might not hate my life quite so much. Oh well i am suppose to be sleeping but of course the rude azz ppl have to call and wake me up wanting money i dont have to give. Gee as if i wouldnt want to pay off my debts so i can maybe at some point buy a place to live of my own, so i can finally unpack and sleep somewhere besides on my mothers couch. lol.
Ohh well thats all for now. Be good and may God grant You the deepest desires of your heart. See Yaaa on the Flip Side.

August 03, 2007

2008-12-12T00:44:00.002-05:00

it seems that i am a rotten judge of ppl, specially of men. Now all of a sudden he has decided i am not worth his time and effort. So now again no one wants me. I talked to this one guy on the phone for a day and a half non-stop, hell HE was the one callin me, then all of a sudden he decided that what i wanted and what he wanted were two different things. Wasnt aware that wanting to be friends and see maybe where it might go was bad. Or for that matter not wanting to be a one night stand. Had enough of them days when i was with the carnival and all the guys wanted was a quick lay and to take off again. Or you tell them you dont want to get married and the opposite happens, they get all clingy and drive me up a frakin wall. All i want is for someone to care for me as i am, to like me for who i am, to want to be with me inspite of it all. Is that too damn much to ask for????? Aparently for someone that looks like i do it is. Guys want skinny n cute, and i am so not built that way. Unfortunately, i am also not made for bein alone, i just cannot be happy that way. It hurts so damn bad to know that you are not worth anyones time and energy, at least not for more than a couple of days, then they decide its not worth it, they have better things they can be doing.

I had another student on the trk. This one didnt do much better than the last one. How hard is it to listen to what i have to say and try to teach them. I realize that i am female but i would hope that i can teach them what i know so that they have a good basis to build on once they are out on their own.

Oh well i am goin to go for now. Hope everyone is safe and sound and that i hear from you soon. Hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz me

June 25, 2007

2008-12-12T00:44:00.001-05:00

Ok, so i am at home for a day, I have to take care of some personal stuff. It always sucks when you have to take time off from work in order to do what amounts to B.S. I would rather be working and tryin to make some money so that I can maybe get a paycheck. Well I think I finally got the picture of my new guy to download, so if you are reading my page then u will b able to see him. Well, it is still a lil up in the air or so he says. My student just thinks that he likes to get me going, thus why he said that he is still deciding on whether or not he is willing to have a relationship with anyone. I hope he does because he is a real nice guy, not to mention a cutie (WEG). So i have to go and take care of my junk before i head back to work. hope everyone has a great day and i will chat at you soon i hope.

June 21, 2007

2008-12-12T00:43:00.000-05:00

ok well i met someone. time will tell if he is a good one or not. I really wish there was some kind of test that i could give to find out early on just what kind of person someone is. It sure would save a whole lot of time and heartache on my part. He seems to be a good guy and my new student seems to like him also, lol. I passed my mentors class. They are actually letting me help someone else learn what they need to know. Yes I know I havent been driving for a very long time but unfortunately thats not how it works. So I will just have to wait and see how things go. I hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Hopefully soon i will be able to load his picture on here so it can be seen by my friends. Ok i need to get off here for now. I am at a family reunion and not on my own puter lol. talk to you soon

May 23, 2007

2008-12-12T00:42:00.002-05:00

Well on Saturday May 19th at 1am my dad finally died from his cancer. I have been home for almost 3 weeks now and am going to be going back out working after the funeral which is later today. (I wonder if i will get any sleep before hand since i have to do laundry and such while i am at home tonight). I spent the better part of the last 3 weeks in Lake County with my dad and family waiting for the end to get here. He was so sad looking in the end it really was hard to be around and see him that way. He wasn't a great father, in fact in many ways he royally sucked at being a dad, but he was all i had. I am going to miss many things about him. It doesn't seem real that he is actually gone. Tuesday was the viewing and i kept expecting something to happen, well something other than no one seeming to know who i am at least. It sucks when you go and almost no one there knows who you are when you are his daughter. I really do hope that the funeral is better than the viewing was. We will see. I am so far in debt it isn't even funny. It is going to take me forever to finally get a paycheck again. But i will be glad to be working again.
I have no luck with men it seems, I have a friend that i have been talking to for a very long time and i just recently found out he is now seeing someone at home. It sucks cause he knows i like him, but I also know he isn't looking for anything long distance and unless something major happens i am defenately long distance for him with him working locally for one company and me doing 48 states with Swift. I just don't know what to do anymore about men. I hate being alone, I want someone special in my life I just don't think that i will ever find that special someone anymore. But I don't want to just mess around with anyone, I want someone that will care about me and want to be with me. Any ideas from U guys on that subject?

March 26, 2007

2008-12-12T00:42:00.001-05:00

I have decided that life truly sucks big time. I finished my training and now have my own truck. I tried to do something nice and help out someone else by taking them into my truck and trying to finish his training. He refused to listen to anything i had to say, he thought he knew everything. I ended up being a very bad girl and hitting him just before he got off of my truck. I dont mind training someone to do a good job, but they have to be willing to listen to what i have to say. Why is it that so many guys are such a**holes? It is so hard to find a decent guy, that actually *does* something for me. The nice guys i meet dont interest me in anything but as friends. Its really starting to get on my nerves.
On the other hand, i came home this weekend to celebrate my daughters birthday, she is 15 now. It is so hard to believe that she is growing up so fast. I went by my old high school today. It has changed so much. There really isn't anything left of the school i remember. But anyway, i went by so that i could see if the art teacher was still there, he is still teaching there and it was so nice to get to talk to him. I have had the biggest crush on him for so long. I wish he would notice me as someone other than an ex-student. I am definitely not the same person i was way back then. He is still one of the cutest guys i have ever seen. **blushes** time will tell.

February 11, 2007

2008-12-12T00:41:00.002-05:00

Ok, well I have had some bad news lately. I have had to take a week off from training to come and say my goodbyes to my father. He has stage 5 colon-rectal cancer and is in Hospice House in Lake county FL as I speak. It has not been easy for me at all, he has finally realized that he screwed up when we were growing up and has asked forgiveness from my sisters and mother. I think he just doesn't remember not asking me for mine also. So, I took time off to come down, I don't mind, I would rather get to say goodbye than to not get the chance. I just wish he had gotten wise years ago and been the father I wanted all those years. I have my inheritance already, he gave me his truck. Its nice and I am glad to have it as I have not had a personal vehicle in a long long time. Now I don't have to come up with the money to purchase a vehicle.
My "wonderful" boyfriend has decided that we should go our separate ways. I so saw this coming. Well, actually I kind of helped that decision along some (lol). He was really starting to get on my nerves with the "whatever you want, i don't have an opinion". How hard is it to find someone that actually knows what they want and is not scared off by a female that has a mind of her own???
Robert didn't like the fact that I expected him to do half of the work I have no intention of HAVING to do all the paperwork so that I can get payed if there is more than just me in the truck. He also didn't like that MY Daughter comes first to me. I have no intention of going anywhere that will be too far from her. She is really having a hard time right now and I am hoping that by being around more it will help her to deal with things. She is the light of my life and I want her to know that more than anything else. Someday I will find someone that can like me for me.

Duh, almost forgot to talk about how things are with my mentor. lol. U can tell I have a lot on my mind right now. Things are going wonderful! I am almost done in fact I will be done by the end of next week. YAAAAA!!!!!!!! Hopefully soon I will be able to start saving some money so I can purchase a laptop computer so I can talk online while I am on the road.
Please keep me in your prayers, Lord knows I need them. Love Dianna

January 09, 2007

2008-12-12T00:41:00.001-05:00

well this will be my last entry for a while. I got a call yesterday that I have to go to Lancaster TX to meet up with a mentor (finally). I leave early this morning for Texas. I hope I have a safe trip and that this new mentor is better than the last one God willing. I have 5 weeks left in my training before I can get into a truck of my own or actually before I get to drive team with Robert. Robert will be done with his training on January 18th. Go figure, he will be done just about the time I finally get to really start mine. It has taken a long long time for me to get a new mentor, hope it is worth the wait lol. Well, I really need to get to bed and try and get some kind of sleep it is now 2:30 am and i have to be up by 6 am to have time to eat and shower and get ready to leave. Will miss all of my friends, keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine. Love you and miss you all. Till later. Hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

January 04, 2007

2008-12-12T00:38:00.000-05:00

well here is most of what happened for those 8 days i spent with this person it is long but you might enjoy reading it. Give me your opinion in my poll at the end please THANKS! (I deleted the question section, but you are free to post your opinion on what I should have done. Thanks!)

December 14, 2006
I started my training with Ajue David (driver number 213690, truck number 96994) on Wednesday, December 6, 2006. We had a load going to Tampa, FL. Since it was due by 4 am, when Ajue asked me if we should leave then or wait and sleep a while before leaving I suggested that we go ahead and go on down there since it was after 9 pm when I got to Ocala from Jacksonville. I was told that since it was such a short load that I was to go ahead and just sit in the passenger seat and get used to being on the truck on the first day. This seemed fine with me since I figured it would give us a chance to get to know each other better.
We did talk on that trip, some about what was allowed to be talked about and what would not be allowed while I was a trainee on his truck. When I said something about truck rules, I was informed that there were not any. I said, You said no talking about Religion or Politics. So I figured those would be two rules of what was not allowed. I added that He had his bed and I had mine and we would not be “sleeping” in the same bunk. I was then told that he knew how to do it without sleeping. This I just let drop since I really didn’t know how to go about it without getting rude.
I was asked multiple times on the 2 hour trip if I was ok, comfortable, did I need to go to the bathroom, was I hungry. He needed me to let him know ahead of time if I had to go to the bathroom since I was a female and he would have to find somewhere to stop with a restroom for me. I kept telling him that I was fine, comfortable, had already eaten so I was not hungry and if I did need to go I would be sure to let him know about it in enough time for him to stop somewhere with a restroom. He still kept asking me the same questions over and over on the trip. I was asked so many times that it was starting to get annoying, but I figured he was just trying to be polite and so I let it go.
Once we got to the drop off point, I walked up to the guard shack with him while he spoke to the guard about dropping off the trailer. At first, we were going to have to wait about a half hour to pull in, but when we started back to the truck the guard decided to go ahead and let us drop it at that time. We dropped the trailer and found an empty trailer to bring back with us from the lot.
Once we were done, I let him know that I needed to go to the restroom and could we please find somewhere for me to go soon. We drove back up I 275 onto I 75 for over an hour looking for a place to park and somewhere for me to go to the restroom at. Once we did, I was told we would be sleeping there for the night.
On Thursday, when I went to update my log book, I was told to put that we stopped in Tampa for the night, even though we had driven way outside of Tampa and it was around 2 am when we finally stopped. I was also told to log that I was either off duty or in the sleeper when I was sitting in the passenger seat of the truck.
Ajue put in his log book that we slept in Tampa and we stopped at 23:30. We drove into Orlando to drop the empty trailer because the cruise control on the truck was not working and we needed to get it fixed. We went first to a Mac shop to get it worked on but they told us they would not be able to even try and get to it until Friday and Ajue did not want to wait til then. He macro’d in to get permission to come to Ocala to get the truck worked on in the shop at the terminal.
Once we got permission, we started out. At this time Ajue let me drive the truck as we bobtailed back to Ocala. While I was driving I was informed that the speed limit was 60 even though it was posted at 70 which I understood to mean I was allowed to do 65. When the speed dropped and I dropped my speed with it everything was good, but then the speed limit went back up and I had not brought the trucks speed back up to 60 yet he wanted to know why if the speed limit was 60 I was only doing 55. I answered him that the speed limit had JUST changed and I had not had a chance yet to get up to the new speed.
I was allowed to drive for an hour before he decided I had driven enough and that I was to pull over and let him drive now. He had me put that I drove for 3 hours when I was only allowed to drive for just over 1 hour.
Once we got back to the Ocala Terminal, Ajue told me to go into the shop and get the red tag and put on it that the cruise control was not working, the truck had no pick-up, and we needed another mattress for the truck. While I did this he sat in the truck. Once I got that done and left them my key to the truck, Ajue wanted to know when they would be getting to it. I told him they said it would be tomorrow morning before they could look at the truck. He then went inside to try and get it pushed ahead, but was unable to get them to rush in his truck before anyone else’s that was waiting for their trucks to be worked on.
I then went into the driver’s lounge and sat there until 8 pm. I went outside to see where Ajue was since I was sitting inside without him and thought that there should have been stuff we could have done on my requirements for training. He was getting ready for bed and told me that he was going to bed now so I should also. I did since I had only gotten a little sleep the night before because we didn’t stop until late and were moving again early that morning. I slept 8 hours before I was up for the day. I went back to the driver’s lounge since I could not sleep anymore and did not want to disturb Ajue if he was still able to sleep. I sat in the driver’s lounge all day long only going back outside a couple of times to get something from the truck or to just walk around.
When Ajue would leave the lounge he would tell me not to go anywhere at all to stay right where I was until he got back. I took this to mean that Ajue wanted me in the lounge where he would know where to find me when he wanted to talk to me. When he was inside the lounge he would sit right next to me as if he needed to guard me from something.
As the day went on I started to talk to others there and got to joking and having some fun since it was a long boring day. I started talking to Drew Childers, a driver/ mentor, that was there getting his truck worked on also. After a couple of hours of us just chatting and goofing around, I joked with Drew and said if I was his trainee we would have a blast for the 6 weeks. Since our personalities seemed to mesh so well he agreed with me on that.
Ajue heard me talking to Drew and asked me if I wanted to switch trucks, at that time I did not but I did say that I would not mind it if I had to change mentors since we seemed to get along so well. Ajue then started asking Drew if he wanted me as a trainee, that if Drew did he was more than welcome to me. This went on for like 3 hours. After a little while I started to get the feeling that Ajue did not want me on his truck, that he really did want to get rid of me for some reason.
Ajue asked me what would be my reasoning for wanting to switch since there would have to be a reason. The nicest thing I could come up with was that Ajue was just hard to understand at times with his accent. Ajue wanted to know why I did not tell him I was unhappy while Diana Vega was in so that he (Ajue) could have gotten me off of the truck and he could have gotten a new student. I told him that it had not even come up until after 5 pm besides I was under the impression that Diana was not in to work on Friday anyway.
Ajue also followed Drew Childers outside when Drew went out to have a cigarette to ask Drew several more times if Drew wanted me as a student. Ajue told Drew that Drew was white and I was white so we would go well together.
After several hours of having Ajue ask both Drew and myself if I wanted to change trucks and did Drew want me as a student, Drew finally said Yes he would take me as a student. Once Drew got my drivers number and the truck I was on so that he would have the information when he called his Driver Coordinator on Saturday morning Ajue started getting really cold with me like I had done something wrong. By this point, I was so uncomfortable around Ajue that I really wasn’t sure I wanted to stay on his truck one way or the other.
A short time later, Ajue decided that he was going to go out and check the QualComm again to see if there was a pre-plan on it for us yet, I was told to NOT MOVE and he would call my cell phone if there was one there for us to leave with. He stopped at the window and asked then told me to come on we were leaving now.
Once we got outside, I walked over to Drew’s truck to let him know we had gotten a preplan and were leaving and to give him my cell phone number so that he could reach me and let me know what was going on and so that we could keep in touch no matter what happened. This upset Ajue, he informed me that I was really free with my cell phone number. He felt that I gave it out to easily. I wasn’t aware that there was some restriction on who I could give MY cell phone number to, it is my personal phone and I pay for the minutes on it.
Ajue and I had to go out and find an empty trailer to hook up to. Once we did, we had to take the number back inside to let them know which trailer we were taking and make sure that it was ok to take it. We then went back out to the truck at which time we finally got a macro for the pre-plan that had us picking up just north of Savannah, GA on Saturday evening. While getting ready to go I asked Ajue if I should put a pre-trip inspection from 8:30 - 9:00 pm. I was told to leave it blank since sometimes we have to lie on our log books. This made me extremely uncomfortable. I do not like to lie under the worst of circumstances, much less when there is no need to. I have no wish to lie on something that I have to sign as being accurate. This is my licence, my lively hood, and my reputation that is placed in that signature on those documents. I have no wish to end up in jail over something that could have been done right the first time without any problem at all.
We pulled out of the terminal in Ocala, FL right around 9 pm on Friday night. Once we started out Ajue started in on me about talking to Drew Childers taking me on as a student. I told Ajue that the way he was talking I felt that he did not want me on his truck at all. I was informed that the only reason he “joked” about Drew taking me was because he thought that I would say no I did not want to go. I was then told that I needed a very good reason to change trucks and could not do so on just a whim. Since at that time I had no intention of asking to get off of the truck I did not see a problem with what I had done. He also got mad about me giving out my phone number and made me feel like he thought I was some kind of whore for giving out my number so easily. I was also told that Ajue could get along with anyone so I was stuck on that truck for the next 6 weeks. He could not see where I would have a valid reason to give to Diana Vega for wanting to change trucks. This made me even more uncomfortable, and really started me wanting to talk to someone about changing mentors to someone else.
I called my mother since we were going to be coming through Jacksonville FL to meet with me and bring me a couple of things that I had forgotten at her house. We met up with her and my grandfather around 10:30 pm. Ajue and I stopped just inside GA right around midnight to stop for the night. Ajue and I went inside the truck stop so that we could use the bathroom. Once done I let him know that I was not tired yet and so I would come out to the truck in a little while when I was more ready to go to sleep. I was informed that he would wait for me, even though I insisted that I was alright and could walk back out there by myself. I was told that I was a female and it was night time so he had to walk me back to the truck. I tried to explain to him that I was more than use to walking around by myself at night and that I did not need nor want him to walk me back to the truck. It took several times before he finally left in a huff because I did not want him standing over the top of me. I wanted to make a couple of phone calls and did not want him listening in to my private conversations.
On Saturday morning when we got up, I asked if we could stop so that I could get some real food for breakfast because I was hungry. I was told there was a subway inside, I said I didn’t want a sandwich, I wanted real food for breakfast. I had to say this several times and explain what I meant by real food. I wanted bacon, eggs, toast and orange juice for breakfast. When he did stop it was at a truck stop with a McDonald’s in it. I said no I did not want fast food besides it was 11 am and even if I had wanted McDonald they were no longer serving breakfast. I wanted food real food. I had to get almost nasty about the fact that I did not want fast food. I had told him before that I was trying to lose weight. I said I am trying to lose weight and I would not be able to lose any if I ate McDonald every day. He finally agreed to pull over somewhere so that I could run inside and grab some breakfast on the run to bring back out to the truck to try and eat while he was driving.
We got to just north of Savannah and had to stop at a truck stop there to wait until we could go into the pickup location which was another 4 or 5 hours from when we got there. I was told that we would be sitting here for several hours and I could get out of the truck and walk around if I wanted to. I was made to feel like I was to get out of the truck and stay away so that he could take another nap. By this point I had gotten maybe 4 hours sleep in 2 - 2 hour increments. I got out and wondered around as much as possible so that he could sleep in peace.
Once we picked up our load and left there, I was asked how I felt about night driving. This was the 3rd or 4th time I was asked this question. I said I love driving at night. I was then told that I did not understand what night driving is. I answered it is driving after the sun sets or driving at night. I was told NO it is driving all night long 11 hours, or 10 hours, or 9 hours, or 8 hours, all night long. I then said that I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep the night before and been awake all day, I did not think that I could manage 11 hours of driving that night. I was then told that he did not mean tonight. This is after I had gotten the impression that he intended to finally let me drive the truck. So I sat in the passenger seat and he drove until like 2 am or so. We then stopped for the night at which time I was finally allowed to go to bed and rest.
On Sunday, Ajue got up and started driving while I was still laying down. A short time after starting, I got up and sat down in the passenger seat. He asked me if I was hungry I said not really at least not yet. I generally don’t like to eat when I first get up in the morning because it upsets my stomach. He said I had better get something now because he might not be able to find someplace for me to eat when I am ready to eat. I went inside the truck stop he stopped at and got an order of eggs, grits, toast and juice to go. He acted mad cause I was in the restaurant getting food, but I was getting it to go so that I would not be holding him up by sitting down to eat something.
At noon, I was told to fix my log book because I would be driving now. I asked what to put for the day before and was told to go ahead and log sleeper all day since I did not do anything to speak of all day. I put a pre-trip inspection from 11:30 til 12:00 even though we did not do one and he had not done one yet on the truck or any trailer we had picked up. I did this because when I failed to put on down on Thursday he got upset with me and made me go back and write it in. During the day I had asked him about if he did not like noise when he was driving, he said yes he liked it quiet. I said that personally I liked the radio playing because it helps me to focus and maintain my cool while I am driving. He told me that while I was driving I could listen to the radio since it was a free country. While getting ready to drive, I set the radio station so that I would not have to mess with it again until I had driven out of range of the station I was listening to. When I did get out of range I carefully worked on changing the station to another station, when Ajue informed me that it was ok no radio was needed. I was a student and once I had learned how to drive I could listen to the radio in my own truck. He reached over to turn the radio off, at that time I just reacted and grabbed his wrist as he reached for the radio and threw his arm back at him. I told him I was driving and I wanted the radio on. He snapped at me that I did not need to touch him. He also wanted to know where all the anger came from all of a sudden. I told him that it was not all of a sudden but that it had built up for days. He wanted to know what I was angry about. So I tried to tell him some of it. I did not need a babysitter, I am a big girl and can walk myself to and from the bathroom. I felt like he was watching me all the time. I am not a student I have my Commercial Drivers License. I am a trainee. I feel there is a big difference between the two. I don’t know what type of people he is use to dealing with but I am not an idiot and I was tired of him talking to me as if I was stupid. I even said that I did not think he even realized that when he spoke to me he spoke down to me as if I could not understand what he was saying to me any other way. I was informed that this was not a joke, this was real life, and reality. I then told him that I did not think this was a joke, this is MY LIFE it was what I wanted more than anything else in the world at this time. I was not treating it as if it was a joke. I also knew about real life. I have lived a real life for quite a few years now. I prolly knew more about reality and real life than he did.
I drove until we got to our fuel stop in Meridian, MS. At that time we got to take a shower since the shower was free with the fuel that we got for the truck. Once we were done with the showers and I had finally found out how to get my advance, I purchased more time for my phone and a head set since he had told me that while I was driving I could not use the phone if I held it up to my ear. I knew this, there were several things that he told me that I already knew. I was by this point getting really tired of him speaking to me as if I was stupid. I went back out to the truck and let him know that I had a headache and my eyes hurt so I did not think that I should drive anymore. By this point I had driven 4 hours, I thought that was a good amount of time for the first time he really let me behind the wheel.
He asked what he should do about my headache. I said I have medication for it and I would take it and just relax and hope it went away. He told me to lay down, and would not leave until I found the medication. I took my medication and laid down and fell asleep. I slept for 2 hours before I woke up again. By then the headache was gone. I had closed the curtains into the back so that it would be dark there for when I was laying down. I kept them closed and talked on my phone for a few minutes then went back to sleep since I was so tired from not sleeping any amount of time in days. I slept off and on until he stopped at like 23:30 for the night. He then informed me that he was stopping for the night, even though he was not happy with the area because he did not feel that it was secure. I got out of the truck and talked on my phone for a while. Walking around the rest area we were at for a couple of hours until I could go back to sleep. The only problem that I could see was that there was no security guard on duty there. Around 8:00 am he asked me how my headache was, I said it was fine. So he told me “good now get up” being real snippy about it. I then got up and sat in the passenger seat until we delivered the load in Ardmore, Ok. At that time it was 5 pm.
While at the drop off location I called Diana about getting off of the truck. I did not care where I had to get off it at I just wanted off the truck as soon as possible. I let her know that I already had a mentor that was willing to take me on and gave her his information.
Once we dropped the load, we went to a little convenience store that sold diesel fuel so it had a large parking lot. We went inside and I was going to get something to eat but all there was available was fried food which I don’t normally like anyway, and since I had not eaten since yesterday I did not want to chance on my stomach. There wasn’t even any hotdogs to eat. I got a soda and some corn chips to tide me over thinking that we could stop somewhere and get some food later.
I then was informed that I would be driving. I was to fix my log book and drive to the pick up area. He told me that we only had a couple of days left together and that there was no reason that we could not be civil with each other. He then proceeded to talk down about Drew Childers, which made me mad. Drew had not done anything wrong. Ajue insisted that I was happy until I met Drew. And that Drew was not much of a mentor if he was trying to steal someone else’s student. I did my best to just not say anything to Ajue at all. It was not easy since I wanted to defend Drew because he only agreed to take me after Ajue had pestered us both for several hours.
He routed us through a bunch of back country 2 lane roads. After I had been driving for 45 minutes or so he asked if I was ok driving on small roads. I said I was fine with it and kept driving. We got to the pick up spot and signed in. He then took the truck and dropped the trailer and found the one that we needed to pick up. I was told that the only good backing was not backing. We had to be careful cause it was a dirt drop lot and he didn’t want to get muddy or for his truck to get muddy.
Once we were hooked to the load and he had pulled it out of its spot he stopped the truck and told me to start driving again. I took us out of there and started on towards our fuel stop. At around 12:30 am it had gotten so foggy that I could no longer see so I pulled the truck off of the road onto an exit ramp so that we could change places since I did not feel safe driving in heavy fog. He got mad at me and asked me what I was doing that this was an exit. I told him I knew that, but that it was foggy and I could not see. Would he please drive now. He took over and drove for another hour to 1 ½ hours until he found somewhere he was happy with stopping at. We then slept until 6 am or so. At that point he got up and started driving again. He drove for several hours and took us into our fuel stop in LilRock, Ark. There we almost did not get to shower because he was afraid it would take us too long to get to our turns in the shower. At that truck stop, I got a 6" sandwich hoping to be able to eat it. I managed to eat half of it before it made me sick since I had not been allowed to eat since the morning before. He drove on for a couple more hours before he asked if I was ready to drive again. I said sure. He drove through Memphis, TN and stopped just south of Memphis at some rest area for me to update my log book and start driving. I took over driving at around 3:30 pm.
A couple of hours later he asked to look at my log book. I said ok, not sure just what he wanted to look at it for. He got nasty with me because I had not put down a town where we changed drivers the night before and told me to put Ozark, AR. Since our log books needed to match, and he had driven illegal the night before. He also wanted to know why I had not put in a town for where I started driving that day. I said you stopped at a rest stop and there was no signs telling me where we were. I said I intended to put Memphis, TN since he stopped just south of Memphis. He was not happy with that and did not believe me but seemed to let it go. He again routed us down a bunch of US roads and State Roads where there was no where to stop at but little tiny stores where there was nothing to eat but chips and soda. I pushed on with the intention of getting to Quincy, FL as soon as I could so that I could get off of the truck that much sooner. I drove down the route he gave me, all the while he kept sleeping in the passenger seat. I got us to Quincy, FL at right around 1:30 am. Unfortunately we could not be unloaded until 5:30 am. So we went back out to the truck and he went to sleep. I was not able to sleep because I was so wound up from everything that had been going on, along with the fact I had not had any food to speak of in 3 days.
The security guard came to get us at 5:30 am so we could back into the dock to be unloaded. When I asked to back the truck up I was told no because a pallet had broken and I needed to watch the open back end to make sure he did not run over any boxes that might fall out while he backed the truck up to the dock. Once backed to the dock we went inside to get it unloaded. We were told it would be a couple of hours at least until they could get it done. I went back out to the truck and laid down since I had not slept at all in almost 24 hours.
I woke up after we were unloaded at like 10 am. Ajue was sitting in the truck waiting for a macro telling us to come to Ocala. I said if they keep this up I will be able to drive you back into Ocala. Once we got the ok to come in he drove us to a truck stop just up the road where we stopped for a bathroom break and so that he could get something to eat. I did not dare eat anything besides strawberry milk because it had been so long since I had eaten anything besides chips and soda and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to keep anything down. He brought back his chinese to the truck and ate it while I was driving. He started in on how it was going to take time for him to change and not be such a nice guy. He was not use to eating and not asking the other person if they wanted anything to eat. In all that time, other than the first day he had not offered to purchase me anything to eat. He did buy me coffee and a danish on Saturday morning. The only problem is I don’t drink coffee on a regular basis and had told him so. I drove us into Ocala. During this time he talked to his new student on the phone. When we got not too far from Ocala, he called the new student and told him not to order anything to eat since Ajue had his van there and would prolly be taking them out to Red Lobster for dinner. He then told me that he couldn’t not be a nice guy. I was getting really pissed. He was being so rude, I was not allowed to eat in 3 days but he is on the phone telling his new MALE student that he was going to take him out to dinner for a really nice dinner so that they could get to know each other.
Once we got to the Ocala area, Ajue had me drive the truck down a road that I should not have gone down. When I got to the next to last turn there was construction on the corner. I was trying to make the corner without hitting anyone when Ajue snapped at me that I was going to run over a construction barrel. He said I needed to go farther out into the intersection. I asked him and what hit the truck sitting in front of me. The truck was backing up and trying to get out of my way, thankfully. I made it around the corner without hitting anything except the barrel which I just knocked over.
Ajue had lost my quick book somewhere inside his truck early that week. When I asked about it, he told me over and over not to worry about it I could either have his which had his name on it. I wanted my new book not his old one with his name and driver code on it. Since I refused the old one he said he would get me a new one from the terminal. He did not even try to get me a new one until I pushed the subject after I was off the truck and had all my stuff inside. When they told him there wasn’t any, he turned to me and said well they don’t have any. I told him then he needed to take his ass out to the truck and tear it apart and find mine. He did not like my attitude. He went to his new student and got him to go out and get his employee handbook and took out the quick book from it and gave it to me. Ajue kept at me. This is after I had been inside to talk about the barrel I knocked over coming in to the terminal because he told me to come in a way that I should not have come. I was not in a good mood and was getting really irritated at the fact that he would not leave me alone. I had to go outside to get away from him or else I was going to make a scene inside the terminal which I did not want to do.
Over the course of the 8 days I was inside his truck, he kept insisting that I talk to him about my personal life. My goals in life, which when I told him about he informed me they were not good goals I had to have something different. I am sorry if the fact that I wish to be able to provide for myself and take care of myself financially is not good enough for him. He also told me that I should marry my boyfriend and have more children. Neither of us wish to marry, I have been married before and he has no wish to marry. I felt this was none of Ajue’s business. We also do not want kids, I was told that I should have more children. I was asked if I had a brother, when I asked him why he wanted to know, he informed me that if I had a brother then I might understand the fact that a man must protect a female. I am an 11 year carnival veteran, I am very much use to taking care of myself in most ways. I am proud of the fact that I am not afraid to walk down most streets or in most areas without anyone to walk with me. I was spoken to as if I was a 3rd rate person.
Ajue David is falsifying his log books. I witnessed this on more than one occasion. He puts that he is sleeping when he is driving the truck. We went from Ocala to GA and he put that he was in the sleeper the whole time. I was under the impression that the times we leave the terminal are recorded. I don’t want to cause problems but he is not sleeping the way he is suppose to and I don’t want to have him kill someone because he is lying about sleeping and where he is almost all the time. I am under the impression that the company wants us trained to be safe while we are on the road. Not sleeping is not safe. During those 8 days we did not stop for 10 hours except for when the truck was in the shop. Not once in those 10 days did he do a pre-trip on the truck. I was not allowed to do anything unless he was standing over the top of me. I don’t know how to do one right yet and was hoping to learn while I am in training. I know the basics but that is all.
Thank you for getting me off of that truck and helping me find a different mentor. I look forward to working for SWIFT, and appreciate the chance to do something that I have wanted to do for a long time.
Thank You for your time,

January 04, 2007

2008-12-12T00:37:00.001-05:00

Alrighty then I havent put anything in here in a while now so i think it is time to actually put in a new entry (other than the ones i brought from my old page lol). It is January and i am still waiting for a mentor. I had one but things did NOT work out real well I will prolly post the letter i had to write for work on it when i get a chance to so everyone can see just why i am still waiting for someone to train me lol, I am hoping to have a new mentor really soon. I am also going to be moving to Michigan (i think) with Robert after a lil while. He wants me to come up there and live with him. I dont see the problem with that but my mother and father do -- go figure! I had a pretty good Christmas all things considered. I just miss Robert so much. I look forward to going back to work and making some MONEY!!!! wish me luck everyone love and miss all my friends

December 01, 2006

2008-12-12T00:36:00.000-05:00

I am finally done with school and am now officially a truck driver!!! I met the most wonderful guy while i was there. His name is Robert and he makes me happier than i have been in a long, long time. I am now back at my mothers waiting to go out with my mentor. Hopefully it wont be long before that happens. Once i am done, then it looks like i will be moving to Wisconsin to be with Robert and we will be driving teams for Swift. I so look forward to all my friends gettin to meet the man in my life. wish me the best of luck in my new career. love and miss you all kelida (dianna)

November 16, 2006

2008-12-12T00:35:00.002-05:00

Ohhhh Myyyyy. I just finished truck driving school you would not believe how stressing it was. LMAO. I was informed by one of my trainers that i worry too much. I did good and am now looking forward to gettin back to Memphis so i can go through Orientation and start my training with my mentor. That will prove to be an interesting 6 weeks or so. After that i will be gettin my own truck to drive and settin out to see the US one load at a time. During this time i am hoping to fall in love with someone special that can love me for me. I made s0me wonderful friends while i was there and look forward to keepin up those friendships also. Time will only tell what is yet to come.

October 10, 2006

2008-12-12T00:35:00.001-05:00

i love my friends so much, but i am tired of them gettin hurt and not bein able to do anything about it. so many need to know the difference between Gor and BDSM. Gor is make-believe, its not real, you cannot live a true Gorean lifestyle in real life. Gor can be beautiful but it is also extremely hard on the women that are connected to it. there are submissives that give all to their Master/Mistress and can be considered slave like, but that does not make them Gor in any way. Why is it that men in Gor seem to think that they are the only ones that are right? Why can they not understand that submission in any form is a GIFT that is given not something that can be taken from us? A Dom/me or Master/Mistress earns our trust as a submissive. When one has earned the right to be my Master then He will get the right to be called Master by me. Until then dont expect to demand things of me and expect me to do what You are demanding. I have men that message me and after a conversation or two seem to think there is a connection. It takes time to build a connection. I know what i want in a Dominate and i know what i am looking for, so many get upset with me because i dont want to settle for just anyone. I want that someone that will be there for me, that can understand that i have a life also. I am willing to give almost anything for that special someone, BUT i expect to be given the same in return. It is a 50 - 50 relationship i cannot except anything less, it just isnt me. Someone is out there for me and i pray everyday that i can meet that special someone. May God be with You and bless You every day of Your life.

October 05, 2006

2008-12-12T00:28:00.000-05:00

this entry is a poem i wrote a couple of years ago. I am not real good with words so the fact that i could do it was something special to me. Someday i will find someone special that it can be for.

A Gift From My Heart

by Dianna Y. Fryer

I am not one for special words
It takes alot for me to say,
The words that i can hear in my heart
To bring them out and to You say.

I feel unable to create a unique gift
One that would take Your breathe away,
But there is something that i can give
A gift that i sincerely hope will make Your day.

It isnt easy for one such as i
To open up and tell You why,
My heart is so scared
Even more so because i care.

My heart has been broken so many times
By ones that i trusted so much,
I gave them all that i had to give
But to them it was never enough.

My breathe You have stolen
With the sound of Your voice,
My heart You could take
All that You have to do is make the choice.

I have liked You for so long
And never thought to have a chance,
For You to see me as anything but a friend
But now i can only hope that maybe in time.

I have looked for so long for one, just one
Who might in some way understand my heart, my soul,
I hope and i pray that maybe, just maybe
I might have found one such as that in you.

So as time goes on
And W/we talk more and more,
As W/we get to know each others likes and dislikes
As W/we might, just might come to care.

It makes my heart bleed to feel Your pain
And feel it i can, as if it were my own,
It is a gift and a curse that i was given
To feel in my heart what others can feel.

So as You read this and hear what my heart says
Please give U/us a chance to see if maybe W/we have a chance,
If it is to be - then so great it will be
Because You being You and me being me that is the only way it could be.

October 4, 2006

2008-12-12T00:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is definately a first for me. I usually like to keep my thoughts private but i am willing to take a chance and see what happens.

I want more than just about anything to be a truck driver, it is something i have wanted to do for a long time and NOW i am actually trying to do something about it. So if you read this please add me to your prayers that i can do what it is i wish to do.

I am a carnie by nature i guess. i have worked for several different companies but i have been with Coleman Brothers Shows for a lil over 3 years now. As much as i love that work i am ready for something new-for a new challenge in my life.

I am single but looking for that special someone. i pray everyday that i will find him.

Well thats my first blog now we will see how it takes lmao

May God bless You every day of Your life.